Monday, November 19, 2007

Blindbeard's Secret Formula To Being Treated Like A V.I.P.

Tired of being treated like a contagious person? Being avoided and having people fake blindness when you are near? I have the secret to change all that. My patent-pending formula can change how people treat you, make you feel as if the red carpet was rolled out just for you, and best of all, it costs nothing--well, maybe a little of your pride. But I find life is easier if you ditch that pride early on. It is only excess baggage that will make more problems than it could ever fix. So make sure you are sitting down because here is my secret way to be treated like royalty:

When you are having a "bad day," you know, the kind where walking is more difficult and maybe your vision is hazy, haul yourself to your nearest national chain store. My personal favorite is Wal-Mart, it has never failed me yet. When I approach the store staggering and blind, people race to open the automatic doors for me. I don't need to fight to get a cart out, someone does it for me and hands it right over. Everyone is sure to make the gimp feel welcome, all the employees go out of their way to greet me and see if there is anything they can do for me. If I knock over a display I only need to start trying to lower myself to the floor and POOF! there are people swarming to do it for me. And checkout is even easier. I always use self because I like to use my pennies, but nobody wants to be rude to someone with such an obvious disability. Heck, most of the time someone is right there to scan all my items for me. Yes, I tell you, it sure does make one feel like a celebrity to have people so solicitous to help one out. So the next time you are feeling unimportant and gimpy, go try my method out and tell me if it doesn't make you feel like they rolled out the red carpet and genuflect just for you. (All this talking about it makes me want to go visit my subjects...)

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