Dear Blindbeard: The "It's All You, Mustanginblue" Edition

Dear Blindbeard,

I tend to have most suicidal thoughts when I think about how moronic the majority of people are. Since I can't take all the morons out of the world, I could instead take myself out and not have to suffer them anymore.

You know, now that you (well your sister to be exact) brought it up, I think I'd like to be embalmed and have my brother and sister have to display me in their homes all their lives. They could trade me off every Christmas! I could be posed on the couch and drunk guys could cop a feel and then later tell my sibling "Man, your sister's hot but kinda stiff."
(Truthfully I,too, want to be cremated and then thrown in a ditch for all I care.)

Mustanginblue


Dear Beautiful Mustanginblue,

This comment made me laugh so loud, and at such an early hour, Sugarbowl yelled down the stairs at me to "shut the hell up because some people have to work." In fact, I love your idea of being embalmed and displayed in various relatives houses so much that I may have to put that in my will. I may even add embalming my dog, too. They could prop me up in the yard in a twisted kind of nativity scene with my dog as the baby Jesus and me as one of the barnyard animals. That's pure genius and you have my undying admiration for coming up with such a fabulous idea!

As to the first part of your comment, I had an epiphany the other day about the "other half" of this world's population -- well, I guess we gimps are in the extreme minority, but that is beside the point, along with hair gel. When shopping recently, and feeling irritated with how people's eyes skitter off when you catch them checking you out, I thought, "Be careful, Honey, it could happen to you." And that is when the epiphany struck. In the blink of an eye, in less than a blink of an eye, something could befall you and you would be in the same rotting boat with me. You could get in an accident, get a stupid disease, heck, even break your leg and never walk the same again, then how would you want people to treat you? While expounding this point, and working myself into a lather, to Sugarbowl, she said that she had been meaning to ask me how I do want people to treat me. I asked her if it was her, how would she want to be treated? She said exactly like everyone else, but she still wasn't sure how to treat them. I asked her how she treats everyone else, and she said she tends to ignore other people, so I told her to ignore them, too. And please, for the sake of all that she holds holy, if you do meet their eye and get caught checking them out, don't try to act like you weren't. At least smile at them, or do something that doesn't make them feel less than human. I think that is what bothers me the most, that they won't meet my eye and that makes me feel like I'm less than human, whether they feel that way or not, that is how it makes me feel.

Love,
Blindbeard


Dear Blindbeard,

What are you reading right now? That is my question.

Mustanginblue


Dear Beautiful Mustanginblue,

What I am reading right now is an eclectic blend of all things really good. Something about the cold weather makes me want to curl up with some good fiction. Summer I tend to read only historical nonfiction, but when it starts cooling down, I need a good story to sink my teeth into. I did not have any fiction around that I have not read umpteen thousand times before, so I asked Princess if she had any good books I could read. She has been reading The Sword of Truth books and suggested I read those. I had this preconceived notion that they would be some romantical fantasy junk that wouldn't hold my interest, probably due to the cover art that looks like some romantical fantasy junk kind of books. I don't mind some fantasy; I enjoy books about worlds where odd things are the norm, so I figured I would give them 100 pages -- what I give every book to see if it grabs my attention or not -- and then try something else, because I'm not into romantical fantasy junk. I can admit when I'm wrong, and I was WRONG WRONG WRONG about those books! I have been sucked in and don't care if I never come back out. Luckily, there are 11 books in the series and I just read that he signed a contract to write 3 more, so I may never leave that world. I'm on the 3rd book and it blows my mind how someone can come up with these ideas, keep introducing new characters and story lines that are just as good as the first ones he had. The author, Terry Goodkind, is originally from Omaha, Nebraska, and that makes me proud. It's nice to have good things come from your state instead of embarrassing things.

Other than that, I'm reading about local history and was pleasantly surprised to find out that I live in a place steeped in interesting history. The town I now live in was a stop on the Mormon trail, and is only a few miles from a sacred Native American site that I have no intentions of burying my dead in for fear they may come back and kill me, like in Pet Semetary -- YIKES! I also found out that the house I live in was once a grange hall outside of town, which they moved in and used as a library for years. They also had a stage on the side I live in -- it's a duplex -- where they would put on plays and other programs for the town. Very cool.

So that is all the stuff I'm reading right now. Hope you aren't too sorry you asked.

Love,
Blindbeard

Dear Blindbeard

Dear Blindbeard,

Oh, Blindbeard...I hope your head/eye pain is receding. If it turns out to be a bout of optic neuritis, will you do a round of steroids? Be well...

Long time reader, first time comment leaver-

Lori


Dear Beautiful Lori,

I always said that the only way I would do the steroids again was if I lost my vision, so. . . yes? Wait, no. Definitely maybe! The steroids make me so sick and crazy that I'm afeared of doing them again. It is such a miserable experience for me; I worry about going off the deep end again, and I worry about the other hideous side effects. The horrible heartburn, the raging insomnia, the most disgusting taste in my mouth that nothing will get rid of, the insatiable appetite that makes me take jars of peanut butter and jugs of milk -- and I NEVER drink milk -- to bed with me. But then I remember when my hug first started up and how much pain I was in. I was ready to do the steroids then if it would give me any relief. So it's always a possibility. A possibility that I hope I never have to do, but pain and misery can drive a woman to actually listen to her neurologist, so I may give in to her and do them if I am feeling too bad. Ugh! I would rather order all my books in Braille than go through steroids again. It would probably be a heck of a lot cheaper.

Love,
Blindbeard



Dear Blindbeard,

Big Fan! I've read your whole blog. I don't have MS, but I don't NOT have it either. ( I have the lesions and meet all the diagnostic criteria but have another disease that my doctor says "covers" MS as well) Anyway, I wanted to let you know that I like that your blog is not all MS all the time. Its refreshing to hear about all of the aspects of your life. When I first started getting sick and started reading other blogs I was worried sick(er) that my life was going to be miserable. You have helped me to be mostly positive (when I have the energy) and to concentrate on living my life and not just being sick.

Amy


Dear Beautiful Amy,

This is the best comment I have ever gotten! Sometimes I think that maybe nobody wants to hear about how, yesterday morning, the middle sized dog cleaned himself to completion on my pillow! I'm not saying that I never reach completion in my bed, but I don't do in on my pillow, right by a just-waking-up person's head! If I didn't know better, I would have thought he was having a seizure. I can't remember the last time I got out of bed so quickly. Or how Sugarbowl and Princess were fighting the other day, so Sugarbowl locked her computer so Princess couldn't use it and now she can't remember her password so she's locked out too. Or how I've been thinking of taking one of these adorable little toads that are all over the place and keeping him as a pet. I have already picked out the name, Toadly Winks, but am not sure the upkeep is worth having him/her. Or how this heat has made me melt into a pile of warm jello and my pit juice keeps running off like the 2 bit whore it is. One day I told Acorn that my pits felt like they had died and gone to hell. About 5 minutes later, I felt a tickle in my pit and a spider came dragging its way out, thankful to be alive but needing years of therapy to recover from the experience. These are all the little nothings that make up the part of my life that MS has nothing to do with, ie all the fun parts.

Love,
Blindbeard

Dear Blindbeard: The Agree To Disagree Edition

Sometimes you just gotta agree to disagree. These are a few of those times. But it doesn't mean I love you any less or that you are any less adorable, because every one knows that you are adorable!


Dear Blindbeard,

Frankly, I disagree with your perspective on the parking lot encounter. I just think that guy was, in his way, looking out for us all. So many people cheat and illegally use those parking placards. [I know, because my brother took mine for awhile before I caught him and took it back.] There aren't many handicapped parking police, so we have to keep an eye out for each other. Can you really say you were so offended by his simple query?

BTW, back in the day when my disability was invisible, someone actually spit on my windshield when I was in the store. Another time I was yelled at from across a parking lot. It's hard to explain under those circumstances, but I just take the bad along with the good, and appreciate having the privilege of close parking.

Webster


Dear Beautiful Webster,

I really can say I was VERY offended by his simple query because it all boils down to one thing for me: IT IS NO ONE'S BUSINESS WHAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE WRONG WITH ME! In fact, if he too "is like me" and has good days and bad days, shouldn't he of all people understand that even though to him I seem "so able" that maybe, just maybe, I have a similar problem to his? We have all seen people park in handicapped and thought that they sure didn't look like they needed it, but since being diagnosed, I now assume that they must have something wrong that is not apparent to me but must affect them in some way. I don't presume to judge their disability level and do not appreciate any one judging mine.

I realize that I sound very angry here, but I am not angry with you, my dear. I get angry every time I think of that man and want to hunt his pompous ass down and stuff my medical records up his wazoo. My sister was so angry with him because she said that he has no idea of what we all have been through since I have been diagnosed, ie my suicide attempt, my extremely low opinion of myself, my propensity to want to harm myself when I get too down, etc etc, and he has no business judging me.

I'm sorry that you have had people react that way to you, and you must be a much better person than I am because I would have yelled some very colorful words back at those people and started a rumble in that parking lot. It is just not any one's business and I do not appreciate people making it their business.

Love,
Blindbeard


Dear Blindbeard,


I am somewhat confused. Really.

Visiting a MS-related website I always expect to find something related.

But this isn't a case. But that's probably OK.

By the way, I, being a MS-er, am concentrating on natural MS cures.

I cured my MS in 1997 and have no exacerbations from since.

All best

Czes Kulvis


Dear Beautiful Czes Kulvis,

I can't be all MS all the time. It depresses me and bores me too much. Besides, I may have MS but that is only one part of my life and of me. If I had to talk all MS all the time I would crochet myself a noose with "Goodbye crewel world!" crocheted into it and hang myself. And as I can't crochet a thing, I choose to not talk MS all the time.

There are so many great MS websites out there that are all MS and I visit them to keep abreast of what's going on in the world of MS, but I have a feeling that is not what you really wanted to comment about. Call it a hunch, but I have a feeling you really wanted to talk about your "cure" for MS. While I am deeply interested -- yawn -- in your cure, I am going to stick with my own regime of dealing with my MS until science proves a better way of dealing with it. And if that way does indeed prove to be your way, I will become a most devoted minion to you. Until that time, I hope you remain exacerbation free for another 13 years.

Love,
Blindbeard

Dear Blindbeard: The Wha...? Edition

*Author's Note: I'm a complete moron. I have been diagnosed for almost 5 years not six like I said in the second letter. How time flies when you're not having fun.



Sometimes I get these comments that I can't figure out how they are related to anything I ever said. To these I dedicate this Dear Blindbeard.


Dear Blindbeard,

Coulnt read past day 3. Very sad had to write in first place. Realise MS makes a difference to life and it is not nice but it is worse with anger and eats away. If thought that there is always somebody worse off it does help.

Suejan


Dear Beautiful Suejan,

My dear, you missed the point of my 12 Days of Christmas. It may seem angry, but that was not my intent. It was merely my making fun of myself and the gifts that MS has given me, which it has been very generous with. My therapists have told me that anger can be a good thing because it is motivating and helps you push the boundaries of this disease -- granted you don't want to take it too far, but a little can help.

I can't dwell on the thoughts of how many people are worse off than me for too long. It depresses me and makes me very sad and down. I feel for those people and wish I could help, but I only have my friendship and empathy to give them, and nobody is beating down my door to get either of those things. I was going to school for Human Services and did foster care for several years, so I know how bad off some people are. My spewing about MS does not mean I am not aware of others' sufferings, I am just choosing to make fun of my own, to which I will share this little nugget of wisdom:

The whole thing's daft,
I don't know why.
You have to laugh
Or else you'll cry.

That sums up my outlook on MS and life better than any other adage I can think of.

Love,
Blindbeard


Dear Blindbeard,

Hey there,

So I found you blog when I was looking for MS blogs and other MS related info. and such because I got diagnosed a week and a half ago. I'm 16 with my entire life ahead of me. Weirdly, I love reading your depressing blog. Seeing all that negative only forces me to want to disagree (or something) so I find the positive... the "silver lining" if you will.

So thank you for your dreary blogs. They're helping me to cope with this unfortunate disease.

Cheers and Merry Christmas!

Linnea


Dear Beautiful Linnea,

Hey there,

I was diagnosed almost 6 years ago. I'm 35 with my entire life ahead of me. Weirdly, I am not writing a depressing blog. Seeing this comment makes me wonder if you read a different blog and posted a comment on here. Seeing all that stuff about "depressing" makes me remember how I was when newly diagnosed. I tried to find the "silver lining" if you will, went through all the different stages of grief and ended up finding that I enjoy a good laugh at myself best of all.

So thank you for a comment that missed the point of my entire blog. I only have one blog, but thanks for thinking I could keep up on "blogs" -- this one helps me cope with this unfortunate disease.

Love,
Blindbeard

P.S. This whole comment smacks of insincerity and I almost want to call bull sh*t on the whole thing. If for nothing else, because you are "only 16" I am hoping I am right and this whole thing is crap. Cheers and Merry Christmas!

Dear Blindbeard

(Sorry for my neglect. I have been under the weather, busy having my ass handed to me by my fellow MSers on Facebook (Lexulous), and the Flea Market came to town and I had to carry of their wares.)

Dear Blindbeard,

Thanks, Blindbeard. I needed that. I've spent way too much time over the last two days reading your blog, and inflicting bits of it on my partner and daughter because they were wondering what on earth I was laughing about (they thank you, too. I'm sure they do). In fact, you said things so well I almost didn't start my own blog, because you already put it better than I could. But I started the blog anyway, because I've been a few places you haven't been, and I hope you never go. But I'll keep reading yours. Thanks!

Zoomdoggies


Dear Beautiful Zoomdoggies,

Here's the ugly truth: I don't read others' blogs too often because when I do I feel like I have nothing original, witty, profound, or new to add to the pot o' blogs out there. I do read them when I feel like I need some inspiration and to see others' point of view because it might give me the kick in the ass to say something not said yet (ha ha and HA!). I'm glad you started your own blog anyway. When I started mine I almost didn't start it for the same reasons. I didn't expect anyone to read it, I just wanted my own soapbox to say what I wanted to say, how I wanted to say it, and with no apologies to anyone. I know I'm irreverent, but I can't help myself. Sometimes I want to be more irreverent, but Sugarbowl, who I bounce my ideas off of, is my barometer of what may be going too far. Like when I was bitching about all the feel-good-Jesus crap I get in my inbox or on Facebook. It irritates the CRUD out of me. My beliefs are this: Personal. And I don't appreciate anyone sending me that crap. I won't be shamed into passing on that stuff. It has nothing to do with being "ashamed" of Jesus, it has to do with my beliefs being my beliefs and respecting others' right to their own beliefs. I keep getting this "So-and-so got this message from God today: blah blah blah, words words words." I wanted to start a "Blindbeard got this message from Satan today: Keep up the good work!" But Sugarbowl's eyes almost fell out of her head when I said that, so I didn't do it.

I got off the subject there. I was merely trying to say, "Blog away, and say what you need to say." And maybe, "Rock on with your bad self."

Love,
Blindbeard


Dear Blindbeard,

I've always appreciated that my dad didn't pansy-fy his child-raising expectations just because he had two daughters. We held regular burp tutoring sessions, with a special emphasis on car names. Anybody can get out "fooord," but it takes a seasoned professional to get "oooldsmobile" right.

EJ

Dear Beautiful EJ,

Since receiving this comment, I have been working diligently on burping car names, and you are right, "Oldsmobile" is really tough! Driving around, I try and belch every car name that I come across and my soda consumption has gone up considerably as I improve my belch talk. Thanks for the suggestion, it has inspired me to new heights.

Love,
Blindbeard


And lastly, I have to share this comment because I got a good laugh out of it.

Dear Blindbeard,

It has been brought to the attention of our organization, The Overachieving Unremorseful Cherubic Halophiles (Before you ask we are an offshoot of the Palliated and Ineffectual Narcissists movement), that you have once again been issuing whines, not to be confused with complaints, about us. We at O.U.C.H. feel that in keeping with the ideals set forth by our founders it would be in everyone's best interests if you would please forward any further comments/thoughts you might have on the subject to the appropriate department for review. Once our fine staff have had the appropriate chance to properly review for, and correct, any inaccuracies that may exist we will gladly forward said information back to you for disposition as you see fit. If you choose to ignore this request then we will have no alternative but to pursue the matter through whatever legal means we see fit. This includes, but not limited to, legal action in a court of law of our choosing. As we currently reside in the twisted imagination of one of your readers it is safe to assume that we will be selecting a venue that is most advantageous to us. It should also be noted that should you decide to not take this notification with the seriousness it deserves we will be forced to resort to action under Section 12, Sub-section 22, Part A, Paragraph 19, Order 6C-A12DDB. For your benefit we have included here the entirety of the passage in question:"It is so stated that should the party of the first part (This would be you) fail to see reason and lunacy in most everything this passage covers then the party of the second part (That would be us) has the right to discontinue reading any and all materials associated with any publications made by the party of the first part."It should also be clarified that we are covered under Section 42, Sub-section 2, Part M, Paragraph 2, Order 9L2-HI699A (Which is also included for your benefit."Should the party of the first part (Guess who?) find fault with anything brought forth by the party of the second part (us again) then the party of the second part can not be held liable for any, and not limited to, bad jokes, puns, acronyms, bad judgment, sad kitties, deforestation, missing ozone, and the economy.Should you wish to complain about this then you will need to submit you request via email, 3 times (Once for us to delete outright, one to forward back to you and then one for us to laugh at like a pack of dyslexic hyenas). Please allow 6-8 years for a formal response.

Sincerely,
Gunter A. Cartwheelie

Dear Blindbeard

Dear Blindbeard,

Hi, What are sugar gliders and what do they look like? Laughed so much at the plastic bags that I cried and splattered my glasses so can hardly see now. Great fun, thanks.

Love,

Herrad

Dear Beautiful Herrad,

Sugar Gliders are like squirrels but they belong in the marsupials group. They are more closely related to a possum then a squirrel. Sugarbowl is obsessed with squirrels, so she got these RODENTS. This spring she got serious Squirrel Fever and started shucking her fat arse up the trees to try and rape the squirrel's nests for a baby squirrel. She fell out of a tree and sprained her cankle. I told her cows do not belong in trees, so I got the power of "I Told You So!" I'm not saying they are not cute, but they are so incredibly annoying that I am hard pressed to say anything nice about them and would seriously recommend you DO NOT get them unless you do not value your sleep or money: their diet consists of a lot of expensive fruits and nasty worms that keep Sugarbowl running to various pet stores just to satisfy their cravings. The little dog got ahold of a container of meal worms and ate them on my bed! Sugarbowl boo hoo-ed over the $5 that went down the drain while I had to rip all the covers off my bed and boil them in hot bleach water before I could use them again. I'd rather lose $5 than have to wash all my blankets.

In addition to that LOUD bark they do, at night no less, they make this noise like an angry swarm of bees when they get stressed. Sometimes I get so annoyed with them I go in there and rattle their cage just to see the pouch they hide in start to shake and have them become an angry swarm of bees. If any cat or dog gets too close to their cage, they start that noise. If a gnat farts near their cage, they make that noise. If I'm enjoying a show, they make that noise. I'm sorry they are so high-strung, but having them in the same house as me is making me as stressed as them. I don't have a pouch to hide in to make a bunch of loud annoying noises, so I have to broadcast it so everyone in the house knows how much I hate them. I'm starting to wish that cows did belong in trees and Sugarbowl had gotten a squirrel.

Love,

Blindbeard

Dear Blindbeard,

I am not good at typing. I enjoyed your blog? I am not very puter litterite. So, I have jade and aloe vera plants, living in fl. I do water at times they don't require a lot of water. I am secondary ms, for what that is worth? Tried almost all drugs my neuro told me to try. Hey my cat, rascal is with me. He is a great friend right here.

thx,

Susan

Dear Beautiful Susan,

Why does this letter/comment hurt my heart so much? Maybe because you are secondary MS and you sound like you could use a friend, which I'm sure after my readers see this letter you will have more friend requests than you can handle. I am glad you have Rascal. There is no better friend in the world than a loving and dedicated pet. I have too many dedicated pets and am convinced they are secretly plotting my death by tripping me and trying to make me fall down the stairs. Awww, nothing like such loving pets! Take care and I do not care how good you are on the computer, comment away!

Love,

Blindbeard

Dear Blindbeard

*Author's Note: For some reason I can't get the spacing right on this post. No matter how many times or different ways I try to edit it, it decides to do it's own thing. Sorry for that but I know you will be able to figure it out anyway.

Dear Blindbeard,

Um, Doggie having to go isn't something you can plan for - or prevent. It happens now and then. However, you might want to consider banning pets from your room at night. Give them a bed right outside your door. Just a thought.

Webster

Dear Beautiful Webster,

In theory, I agree with what you are saying. But the reality of my life is that I enjoy my doggies in my bed -- please see attached picture, which I have hanging over my bed by the way. When my ex husband and I became pet parents, we said that the dog would not be allowed on the furniture. That lasted about 5 minutes -- 5 long furniture-free-from-dog minutes. My ex husband enjoyed the dog on the couch with him and the dog warming up the bed at night. I am surgical menopausal so I can't handle someone close to me at night or I will spontaneously combust. My ex is forever cold so he needed something to heat him at night. Now I have no fat husband to hog my bed and I have found that I prefer fat dogs to fat husbands. They don't talk in their sleep and are less gassy. And if they are too gassy, I push them out of the bed. It's a win/win situation so I (for the most part) will accept the occasional having to get up and let them out. If I close a door against them, they whine at the door and scratch at it, hence why I have to leave the bathroom door open when showering or they will ruin the door. I don't quite understand why they feel the need to hold me down all the time, it's not like my fat arse could blow away, but I accept their love and give them part of my bed in gratitude.

Love,

Blindbeard

Dear Blindbeard,

I can't think of anything relevant to write, so I'm hoping a "Hi Blindbeard" will do.... It's finally warming up here on my edge of the country. I actually have to go out and cut down some bamboo sprouts today. We have running bamboo that goes viral this time of year and pops up all throughout the yard. Gotta get on the sprouts before they become too big and thick to cut down with hand loppers. The full-grown ones (in a cluster along one side of our fence) are actually beautiful and about 40 feet high. They make a great privacy "fence" on the one side of our yard.

Jen

Dear Beautiful Jen,

Hi. Your bamboo sounds great and I wish I had some instead of these stinky ugly bushes that we have growing around the perimeter of our yard. In my old house we had a bunch of pampas grass that grew in these great beautiful patches all over our yard. My ex always called it "pompous grass" like it was this stuck up bunch of grass that thought it was better than the rest of the plants growing in our yard, which I always found funny. He had a strange way of pronouncing different words, like sandwidge for sandwich, or how the things in your nose were burgers yet he would order hamboogers. Very odd but funny.

Love,

Blindbeard

Dear Blindbeard

I've been meaning to do this, but life took me away from my blogging pleasures for awhile and decided I needed to eat hospital food for a change. Now that I am back to food that is easily identified, instead of a guessing game, I am more than ready to return to my usual blather. Speaking of food that is not identifiable, Princess was playing Cooking Mama 2 on her DS last night and was scandalized when she had to make a dish with horse meat. She and I just had a long talk about how the foods that we assume are "normal" are not the norm for the rest of the world, and she was horrified that people could eat some of the things they do. As a person who eats too many bugs because she doesn't always check her drinks before she tosses them down her throat, I am not as shocked that people eat differently than us. Before I run away with all this, lets get back to what I really wanted to do here: my beloved Dear Blindbeard column.



Dear Blindbeard,

I have been lurking around your blog since I was diagnosed in April of 08. I truly appreciate seeing someone who has the outlook and slant on life that I do. I am really not much on MS support groups, why would I want to sit around and listens to complete strangers talk about their brains liquefying? I did sign up to do the local MS walk, though. Here lies my question for you: after I was diagnosed I was very angry (now I am just angry) but I had a t-shirt made that says "MS can just suck it" Do you think it is in bad form to wear that to the MS walk? Your thoughts are greatly appreciated.

Thank you,
Brain Mush


Dear Beautiful Brain Mush,

I too hate support groups. Whenever I have to attend a function with a large grouping of MSers, I always come away irritated and convinced that people with MS are either pompous know-it-alls or have no idea what the words "personal hygiene" mean -- which makes me wonder which group I fall into. As a person who showers, brushes her teeth and applies pit juice every day, I have to assume that I am a pompous know-it-all. I am not a pie-in-the-sky person and I suspect that there are many out there who are not either. I would definitely wear such a t-shirt and even have several ideas of my own to wear to this year's walk. For every one that cannot relate to that message, there has to be someone who will, and who would appreciate someone else with the same attitude. Sometimes I think no one wants to say how much they hate having MS because it is not socially acceptable to say such a thing; everyone wants to put on a brave face and show how much, "they have MS it doesn't have them." Some days I know MS has me regardless of all the inspiring catch phrases out there to try and make me think otherwise. When I am barely able to get off the couch and pain has me in it's tight evil grip, MS has me, not the other way around. By all means, please represent those of us who feel the same way and do not apologize for having your own opinion.

Love,
Blindbeard


Dear Blindbeard,

MS Hug? WTF..what a freekin name for something so painful. I have SPMS and was DX'd back in 1997 (I think). Somethings u just wanna forget. I've had this pain for about week, went to the ER, explained to them that YES I have MS as well as RSD. So the idiots see that my left lower leg has a lump (swelling and is hard). OMG I must have an embolism. Idiots. I figured, hey maybe they are right this time, who knows, after they are the ones with the medical degrees. Had all bloodwork, Xrays of lungs, chk'd for UTI, and who knows what else. So now I wait and wait and wait for dr to tell me whats wrong. Well the pain was unbearable and couldn't wait anymore. Told them they were all F'rs and left. They came running after me. "Oh Miss, U need to sign this paper as we will not b responsible if U leave now. Again I say, F U. The other hospital was a hell of a lot better than this one. "Well then why did U not go to that hospital?" Now I am freekin mad and in my usual calm voice I said, "They F'n closed the old hospital and built this 'new state of the art hospital'." Well I came home and they called me at 6 pm. OH U have to come back to emerg STAT and get an injection. WHAT? Well Miss we think u have a blood clot and PE. U need to come in NOW u may die. Again DR have medical degrees so I go back and get 2 injections of blood thinners. The also tell me that I have to come in next morning at 8 am for venous doppler as well as a spiral CT scan of lungs. OK. So what happened U ask? "Well Miss all is well, u have no clots u may go home." But what about this pain? Is this my MS acting up again? "I don't know, go to your family dr." So here I am in pain on the scale of 10 plus. Last year they did the same to me. Same hospital, just opened, I was having speech problems as well as bladder mishaps so I went. Idiots treated me for a stroke. Hubby kept telling them, she needs roids now she's having an MS attack. NOOOOOOOO, we know nothing. We just suffer. Sorry I am so pissed and hurting. Can't sit, can't lay down. Gotta see if I can sprout wings and float around. MS is a bitch.

Thanks,
Anonymous


Dear Beautiful Anonymous,

I enjoyed this letter too much. I laughed the whole way through and all I can say is, I like the way you talk and would like to subscribe to your monthly magazine. I thought about going to the ER when my pain peaked at "10 plus," but knew they would do nothing for me and was worried they would misdiagnosis me and try to admit me -- EEEEEK! That is unacceptable. So I stayed home and ate pills until I could get a hold of my neurologist. Keep rockin' out with your pockets out! (Thought I was going to go somewhere else with that, didn't you?)

Love,
Blindbeard


Dear Blindbeard,

As far as the effing MS Molester Hug, I've not found much that works... tried narcotics, seizure meds, anti-inflammatories... oddly though, it has seemed (and I say this with caution and avoiding your fists) sometimes if I actually CREATE something tighter around the area, for whatever reason, my actual muscles seem to relax some... try at your own risk and don't hate the messenger. :-)

Braincheese


Dear Beautiful Braincheese,

How funny! I found that if I wrap my arms around my chest, it makes it better. I drive, clean, run errands etc, with one arm holding my chest tightly. My mom suggested I go to a medical supply store and get one of those binding things for people who break a rib. I haven't made it there yet -- I keep hoping it will go away -- but think I may go soon and invest in one. Its good to know that it works for someone else. I needed that motivation.

Love,
Blindbeard

Dear Blindbeard

Ready for another round of my Dear Blindbeard column? I sure am! Please send me anything you would like for me to answer/talk about etc. because I would hate to run out of material.


Dear Blindbeard,

Jen,
my wife turned me onto your blog because I have MS and I am about to "gird my loins" and go into battle with the semi-simians myself. The root of the term legal is the Latin word legare, which means choose. The body of law is merely a pile of choices we have made in order to live with each other. No judge's word is ever to be considered as final. Its merely his latest opinion. Take that fact to heart and know that no law is ever carved in the stone that seems to occupy the place in the chest where a heart should be. You just have to appeal to their sense of the ridiculousness of the situation. I mean its like the old joke about a soviet heart clinic at the top of a long, steep set of stairs. If you could make it up the stairs to see the doctor, you obviously didn't need his services. If the judge had to decide on the fate of a quadriplegic, would the judge find against the quadriplegic because that person couldn't appear before him in his courtroom, because the court can't accommodate the bed into the court. In my own case, I should have a great deal of, uh, fun because if he tells me to go out and get a job, I'll thank him very much for his offer and tell him that I'll be reporting for work in his chambers in the morning. I've had two years of looking and wherever I've had an interview, I lasted until I shuffled in on my cane and then the prospective employer's mind closed as thoroughly as the judge's. In this economy, you have to be able to dance to the employer's tune, regardless of how much dancing the job itself requires. Part if the problem is that America hates its own citizens. America has a system of health-don't-care, set up for the sake of political expediency by Richard M. Nixon, a clinical paranoiac, and Humana Insurance as a very profitable Ponzi scheme, and as such is the last remaining industrialized country not to have universal health care. (Notice I wrote industrialized, not civilized.) Now that profits are drying up, now that the pool of insured is shrinking as companies downsize and the millions of people moved off of the books, and now that that the insurance companies' draconian methods of denying benefits are getting harder to justify, the need of the citizens of this country for some kind of universal health care is becoming undeniable.

Charles-A. Rovira


Dear Beautiful Charles,

Wow! Where do I begin? There are several things I'd like to say about your letter:

First: My name is not Jen, or Jennifer, or Jenny Craig/Jones. I actually have the same name as a certain hurricane that devastated New Orleans and other parts (I had it first!). My mom volunteered with the Red Cross after that hurricane ripped through there, because she in an RN, to give medical care to people who could not get it in those conditions. She didn't want to tell anyone that she had a daughter with the same name because there was a lot of (justified) animosity towards that name, even though I am not a destructive force of nature.

Second: What a great job you did of summing up the whole legal system! I am awed and give my most heartfelt respect to someone so informed and with such a fabulous way with words to nail the whole situation, and I hope anyone else fighting "the man" will read this. Good luck with that endeavor!


Third: I just read an article that made me think of this letter and really got my hackles up. It was talking about fatigue and MS and they said that when Provigil became so popular, the company raised the price of Provigil to 3 times what the price originally was. I am glad that I don't take Provigil because that is so wrong on so many levels I can't even talk about it without dissolving into a mass of obscenities.

Thanks for the great letter and I hope a lot of people read this. It is an eye opening letter and should be required reading for anyone who is preparing to "gird their loins and go into battle."

Love, Blindbeard


Dear Blindbeard,

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Colon xR


Dear Beautiful (?) Colon xR,

So far my colon seems to be pretty happy because I don't have any problems with it, but thanks for the kind offer. Maybe you should try someone who does have the problems you mentioned in your letter. Try hanging out in the fiber/hemorrhoid medicine aisles in Walmart or a drug store and see if you can't find some people with unhappy, unhealthy, unclean colons (isn't it the nature of a colon to be unclean?). Happy phishing!

Love, Blindbeard

Questions, Thoughts, Concerns

I would like to start a new topic on this here blog o' mine. I've had this idea rattling around my head for awhile and finally decided to do something about it. Bring me your tired and weary, lay your head upon my bosom and take all and any advice/answers with a huge grain of salt, as they are merely my own opinion, albeit very good opinions in my opinion. So, without further ado, move over Dear Abby! (Also, I welcome any comments that you would like to share, especially if you have better advice than me, which is very likely.)

Dear Blindbeard,
I have a spot on my left foot that itches and buzzes off and on. This has been going on for a year. Now my left side has joined in with the itching. Two of the fingers in my right hand sometimes get cold and they ache. Any ideas? I haven't been to a doctor yet as these seemed like silly ailments. Any thoughts?
Jo

Dear Beautiful Jo,
My itchy spots nearly drive me mad. I dig up my skin in places, making me look like an even more diseased freak than I already am. The only thing that tames my itchy spots is Neurotin. It helps bring down the itch, soothes my aches and pains into a manageable dull roar, and even untangles my bunched up muscles, or the Periodic Limb Movements that steal my sleep and make me kick my legs uncontrollably. I too have the cold problem. My feet feel like frostbitten blocks of ice no matter how much heat is on them. I haven't found anything yet that has helped that problem, so I try not to judge the temperature of anything by what my feet are telling me. If there is something out there that helps with that cold feeling, I would love to hear about it. I get tired of my frozen feet, but after hearing about the opposite problem, ie the burning, I think I will take the frozen over the burning.

I have itchy spots in some of the most embarrassing and ridiculous places. I normally don't like to tell too many people about it, but it may be pertinent here. I have itchy bands on both arms, right above the elbow; my feet, in addition to being permanently frozen, itch so bad that I have to kick off my shoes and scratch and scratch sometimes, no matter where I am (like in a store! Making it look like I have raging Athlete's Foot); and I have the most embarrassing itchy spot on my left leg, slightly off to the side of my... delicates. I hate having to scratch that one when anyone may be able to see me do it, but sometimes I have to just dig in regardless of who may be observing me. When I really start to itch, I know my Neurotin is wearing off.

I hope this helps you.
Love,
Blindbeard

Dear Blindbeard,
Why can't you be serious? Multiple Sclerosis is no laughing matter!
Serious Sally

Dear Beautiful Serious Sally,
I beg to differ. If I couldn't laugh at this disease and the things it does to me, I would cry. How can I take myself seriously when I trip over a dust mote on the floor? Or the time I fell, butt naked, because of a drop of moisture on the bathroom floor, with such a squeal of pain it brought everyone in the house on the run to see me crumpled, and did I mention butt naked, on the bathroom floor. How about the ataxia that makes me stagger and look drunk even though I haven't had a drink in years? There is plenty of humor there. It makes me want to carry a bottle of soda in a brown paper bag with me at all times, just for poops and giggles. Or my inability to see any details unless the thing I'm trying to see is inches from my face. Try going shopping for bloomers and burying your face into a pile to see if there are any you like, and then tell me that's not funny! It makes me think of that quote, "the first sign of being a grownup is the ability to laugh at yourself." I may not have the words exactly right, and I can't remember who said it, but I think of that often and find it to be very true. If being serious about MS helps you, by all means be serious, but I can not be serious about a disease that renders me ridiculous.

Love,
Blindbeard