Wednesday, January 19, 2011

New Club

I am now starting a new club, the I Hate Princess Club. We are not exclusive, we will take any who want to join -- which will probably be anyone who has met her. We will be meeting at 4am in her bed every morning. Bring all the noise makers you can find, and crumby snacks will be provided in abundance. Our motto is going to be the loudest belch you can muster, so fizzy drinks will be provided too. She runs a heater full blast in her room all night, no matter how hot it gets in there, so wear your summer clothes and be prepared to sweat. Hopefully you do not mind washing your hands with cold water, because wherever Princess is using water, there will never be any warm water left. And I hope you don't mind drip drying after going to the bathroom, because there is nary a scrap of toilet paper to be found in any bathroom she uses. Odds are the sink will be backed up from all her hair balls that she leaves in there, so you may want to bring hand sanitizer just to be on the safe side. Do not bring anything you value, because she does not understand personal possessions and assumes everything is there for her use. And she will not warn you when she uses something up, so be prepared to get a nasty surprise when you go to use whatever it is. Bring a flashlight, because her room is a hodgepodge of clothes and other teenager crap that must be spread across the floor, not put away, and I don't want anyone to impale themselves on her stuff. When using the bathroom, be prepared to have the door flung open on you without so much as a knock to warn you, so don't be doing anything you don't want an audience for. If she should wake up during the course of the meeting, be ready for a steady stream of negative, snarky, rude comments meant to show you how hopelessly uncool and uninformed you are, so be sure you have a thick skin before you join. This is not a club for the faint of heart; you must be a secure person, confident in the fact that you are not as uninformed as 7th graders think you are, or you will be eaten alive. We will be discussing, among other things:

1. How does anyone survive their teenager years without an adult killing them?

2. Should raging, unchecked hormones be illegal?

3. Is it impossible to talk to someone in a normal tone of voice?

4. Should I see if the neighbors would like to use my stuff too? Maybe the public in general would like to use my stuff. Maybe I am being selfish by not sharing my pit juice with the world.

5. Will I ever be as cool and smart as a teenager, or is that just a ridiculous pipe dream?

Any topics that you feel need to be addressed will be added. If you are unsure of what would be a good topic, come spend a few minutes with Princess and your ideas will flow from you faster than you can write them down. Now I will close this announcement with our motto:


See you at 4 tomorrow morning.

Saturday, January 15, 2011


We got an APB out on one Blindbeard. That's one Blindbeard. She was last seen traipsing through Arizona, New Mexico, and Colorado in an embarrassing pair of spotted pajama pants, looking like the frumpy tourist she is.
We have reason to believe that she changed her clothes in Colorado, where she stopped for the night, and is now wearing something more socially acceptable, but don't count on it. If you see her, contact her family immediately so they can hide from her. She is not considered dangerous, just crazy -- and hopelessly uncool -- so they would rather not be seen with her as she will only ruin what fragile hopes they have of not being uncool by association.

She was traveling in her sister's car, which is a traveling trash heap, so keep your eyes out for a mobile dump. You will hear her bitching about the condition of the car and her sister telling her to shut her dirty pie hole about it. This conversation will be heard for miles around and will give a good idea of the general vicinity of her whereabouts.

She usually wears a stocking cap in winter, but if she does not have a hat on, you will know her by her mane of woolly hair that resembles a camel's butt. She has a distinctive walk, dragging her right leg along, and crabbing about how everyone walks too fast and she can't drag her leg that fast, so slow down, bitches. She tends to need to urinate more than the rest of her party, and was spotted using the men's room 3 times during this trip because women are so damn slow in the bathroom, and she would rather have her family embarrassed when she comes out of the men's room than wet her pants.

There is no reward for finding her, but her family will be eternally grateful to whoever finds her because they wouldn't know what to do with themselves without her to bumble around and embarrass them, making them look better -- if they don't decide to go into hiding. Please keep your eyes peeled and avoid her at all costs, or she may try to adopt you and ruin all your hopes of being cool.