Tuesday, March 30, 2010

This Is Gonna Be GREAT!

Or GR8 if you are a texting kind of person, which I am not. It takes me forever to text the most basic things, like LOL and WTF or even BRB. My little sister's phone is a high tech thing that I can't figure out. One day she and I were getting ready to go pick up Princess from school and do some shopping. The winds had been blowing very hard and the snow had drifted over our driveway. I thought we should dig out a path before we left but Sugarbowl thought I should just gun it and I would go right through the big drift. I gunned it against my better judgement and got high centered in the drift. Sugarbowl got out to dig me out and gave me her phone to text Princess and tell her to walk (she claims she told me to tell her to wait, but that is not what I heard or remember). Her phone was set to that T9 crap and I couldn't get "walk" texted in. I sent Princess 3 texts of "www" before I finally got "walk" figured out. I wanted her to have some websites to check out until we were able to get to her.

Anyhoo, Sugarbowl and Princess got their own apartment due to our recent HUGE fights that annihilated all good feelings between us. Sugarbowl, who is very Borderline Personality, has never been able to keep it all together when on her own. Her part of the rent was $375 here and she never could help with any of the other bills, so I carried it all. Now her rent is $595 and she has to pay all her utilities on her own. Also, moving from a house to an apartment is an almost impossible thing unless you want to use a shoe horn to get everything in. Right now she has not gotten all her crap into her apartment and will not try until I move and she has to take all her crap or lose it. She has such raging hoarding problems that I know she won't be able to part with her crap, so I have made some predictions about how this is all going to play out.

1. She is not going to pay all her utilities. She will make rent because she has to, but everything else will pile up until they are left with no lights or hot water while I enjoy my electricity and hot showers. Maybe I should buy them some candles as a house warming gift... or sit back and enjoy the show.

2. Her apartment is going to be a PIG STY! Right now they are dying to prove me wrong and when I stopped over the other day, they had made their beds! I have never seen her make her bed before and right now they are motivated by their desire to prove me wrong, but I will die of shock if they actually do prove me wrong on this one. I couldn't get her to help out around here and her room was such a disgusting mess it gave me the fidgets to see it. She bought a bunch of cleaning supplies and flipped me off when I asked her if that was the first time she had ever bought such things.

3. I give her 6 months before the whole thing falls apart. She is in a 6 month lease, but I don't think she will be able to foot all the bills much longer than that. What makes me the most mad is that I am still looking to buy a house and -- Dagnabbit! -- I am trying to find one big enough to accommodate us all if/when they need me. It makes me mad that I am doing it, but I know she is going to need a safety net and I will never turn my back on my family, regardless of what 2 bit whores they can be.

Right now my house is clean, quiet and rearranged the way I want it. One of my old foster kids is moving in with me because she wants to go to school here and I want the acorn to come back to the oak tree. I'm play all nice and contrite to Sugarbowl right now to keep the peace, but I am looking forward to being able to do as I want with my life, getting it set up the way I want, and sitting back and watching the bodies hit the floor. If she ever needs me, I will be here with my life the way I want it and will be able to have some control over the situation. I have all these great plans for things if she needs me... but until then, I am going to revel in my clean house. Too bad I can't do cartwheels anymore. I would be doing them all over the house.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

All Are Guilty

I have not been blogging because so much is going on in my house and all of it is ugly. But because, as one person said to me, a blog is a place to be honest and expose your heart and soul, I am going to give an as honest and impartial run down as I can of all the crap that is floating in a big black cloud over my house.

My little sister and I have been having a lot of problems since about right after Christmas. If you have never dealt with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, you are VERY lucky. It is a constant challenge. You need a thick skin and the capacity to forgive after they go into a rage and say the most horrible and (potentially) damaging things to you. I am slow to anger and quick to forgive, which is probably why she and I have remained friends throughout our lives and why I am not worried about us being friends again someday. No matter what she says to me, I NEVER allow myself to go certain places, even if she does. They will take anything you say, give it a different meaning than what you intended and get mad about it. Even after I say that that was not how I meant that phrase, she will still argue the whole thing based on how she perceived it, not on what I really was saying. I am no Job, so sometimes I do get tired of it and lose my patience with her. People have their limits and she can really push me past mine.

She has not been taking her meds for quite awhile because she has never been good about remembering to take pills and she thinks she has been doing really good without them. I think she needs to take her meds no matter how "good" she thinks she is doing without them. There is no room to breathe around her without them. Everything you say can and will be held against you and given different meanings than what you actually said. Honestly, I have not been taking the high road and have been dealing with her in the same way she deals with us. I remember what my ex husband said after they had their first huge blow out fight, he said that he had been biting his tongue long enough and is tired of it. Those words keep going around and around in my head like a broken record. She will tell you that he is an ass hole and that is why they got into that fight, but the truth is a little different than that. It was shortly after I was diagnosed and she and I were planning a trip to go see my dad in AZ. I started having an attack and was going to have to go do the steroids again. She was upset that my attack was putting off our trip and came over to my house to ask me when I would be better, when we could go on our trip, would I be ready next week? Would I feel better in the very near future? Was I going to be able to watch her kids while she was working? Were we ever going to be able to take that trip? I didn't have any fight in me; I was still reeling from my diagnosis and not exactly thrilled that I was having another attack just a few months after my last one. My ex said that I just sat there and took her anger, which I did. He lost his patience -- he cannot tolerate anyone saying or doing anything negative to me -- and told her to back the f*ck off and leave me alone. The whole thing escalated into a MASSIVE fight and the rest of that story is not pretty and not worth telling.

I tried to keep the peace around here but got tired of it and started giving it back the same way she was giving it to us. It all started over a sandwich. I had made grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup for dinner. Princess had a friend over and they were all playing games. I was tired of frozen foods and wanted to make something a little healthier for everyone, so I let them play their games and made dinner. Sugarbowl didn't like the bread I used for the sandwiches and kept making fun of the bread, saying how dry the crust was and so on. It irritated me because I was trying to make them something a little better than what I make when I am too tired to make a decent meal. So I took what was left of her sandwich off her plate and threw it to the dogs. She went into orbit and went off into a tirade that was embarrassing to Princess and I because Princess had a friend over. When I took her friend home, I told her that I was sorry that she had to see that, but sadly, that was not as bad as it usually is. Princess said, "that was actually really good for her. She usually is worse." And I couldn't disagree.

I try and protect Princess from her anger as much as I can. When she goes off on her, I try to get her to turn it onto me. Sometimes she fills me with so much hate I start thinking some extremely negative things about her and wish things that I don't really want to come true once my anger cools.

This post has gotten too long, but I needed to set the stage of how she is before I can tell the saga of our latest problems. I will post Part II later. Until next time, thank your lucky stars or whatever you thank, that you do not have to deal with some one who is Borderline.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

2 For 1

I have 2 completely boring things rattling around in my mostly empty head, so I am going to give a 2 for 1 special at bargain basement prices.

I Hate Being Poor

Looking at houses has been a reminder of exactly how incredibly poor we really are. Within our price range is a lovely selection of the most hovely hovels in all of hoveldom. The very first house we looked at was so incredibly horrible that the only good that came from it was the knowledge that it can only get better from there. The realtor that was really trying to get us to buy also owned their own construction business and if we bought that house and had them "flip" it for us, they would give us a great price! Any electrical and plumbing that they did would come with a lifetime guarantee and they would fix any problems in the future for FREE! Damn, baby, where do we sign? Never mind all the holes in the walls, the broken, splintered stairs, the suspicious holes cut out of the carpet when the carpets are so disgustingly dirty it makes you wonder what had been so bad that they needed to cut out just those areas. It wouldn't have surprised me if there had been chalk outlines of bodies and they had just cut along the dotted lines in those carpets, so odd were the shapes of the chunks taken out. When we left Princess said it looked like a mass murderer had lived there. And that sums up that house perfectly.

Another house, which we really liked besides this one little flaw, had floors that were dangerously sloping into what I can only assume was a massive sink hole that is about to swallow that house. As much as we would have loved that house, we aren't quite desperate enough to be sucked into a sink hole, never to be heard from again.

It just goes on and on and on. I can understand being poor, but do you have to be so filthy? After looking at some of these houses I just want to come home and soak in a hot bleach bath. *Sigh* Our search continues and our bleach supply dwindles.

Is That A Hint?

I accept that the dogs like my room so much that they must drag all their toys into my bed, chew up everything under my bed, and regurgitate those things that didn't agree with them all around my bed. But lately they have been dragging a hair brush into my bed. I keep putting it away and it keeps finding its way back into my bed. I know my hair is a wild mop, but if I brush it it becomes all frizzy and even wilder. I explained this to the dogs and they kindly dragged a little gardening rake into my bed last night instead of the hair brush. They finally realized that this steel wool pad on my head needs more than a hair brush and I feel lucky that they didn't drag a bigger rake into my bed. The hair brush will never get to run its bristles through my luxurious locks, but I may start using the gardening rake. I could plant some seeds in the furrows and grow a new chia hairdo. I think the dogs are on to something...