Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Hey You Guys!

I have been dying to use that for a title since I started blogging. Growing up I loved LOVED LOVED The Electric Company, and the Super Friends, The Muppets, Slim Goodbody, and 3 2 1 Contact. But all those will have to wait their turn to be used as a title. Today I need the Electric Company to round everyone up for me. I need your opinion.

Last night we were all playing Scattegories. Me, Princess, Acorn, Sugarbowl and Sugarbowl's fiance Vanilla (we call him Vanilla because he can be so bland -- but that is another blog post). If you haven't played Scattegories before, I'll give you a quick rundown. You have a list of topics, like Song Title, Famous Female, Things Found At The Beach, Pizza Toppings, etc etc and you roll a big dice with letters all over it to see which letter you have to start all your answers with. Well, for World Records starting with the letter A, Princess put Armpit hair. Sugarbowl hotly argued against it and Princess had to cross it off her list, even though I agreed with Princess because everything is a world record these days. We were doing our next round, and for Things That Jump/Bounce starting with the letter B, Sugarbowl put Boogers. And with that answer an argument was started that may never be resolved.

Sugarbowl claims that almost all boogers bounce. Acorn agreed that her boogers bounce, too. Princess and I, who apparently have very sticky boogers, disagreed. Boogers do not bounce, they stick. Vanilla wouldn't take a side in the debate so we were at an impasse. To prove her point that boogers bounce, Sugarbowl picked her nose, got a booger and started rolling it between her fingers. She said she was going to bounce it off of Princess to prove that boogers bounce. I told Princess that she needed to pick her own nose, get a booger and fling it at her mother to prove that boogers do not bounce, they stick. If they are so bouncy, why are there boogers on the wall by kids' beds? If they bounced they wouldn't stick to the wall, you could just vacuum them up. Sugarbowl says they are on the wall because kids wipe them there. And I can't disagree with that, but I still say that a lot of them are there because they were flicked and stuck.

We argued this while I looked up records for armpit hair. There is a record -- 32 inches in case you wanted to know. I tried to look up boogers bouncing, wording it every way anyone could think of, and I got nothing except a blog site called Boogers Don't Bounce (I didn't go to the site so I'm not going to link it here, even though I'm sure it is a great site). We continued to argue it as we went outside to smoke and Sugarbowl continued to pick her nose clean to prove her point. I pointed out several great instances of her boogers most definitely not bouncing. Like the time we were driving and she had a booger stuck to her finger that she couldn't get rid of and I was laughing at her getting a booger stuck to her that morning from a towel. A booger that we didn't know where it came from. Or who it came from. YUCK! (http://blindbeardsmsblog.blogspot.com/2009/06/boogers-bitches-and-blindbeards-blues.html) Then there was the time at one of Princess's basketball games that Sugarbowl's nose turned into a magician's handkerchief and she had a big runny booger that just kept on coming out of her nose. We didn't have any Kleenexes so she was wiping it on the bottom of the bleachers. I'm pretty sure those boogers didn't bounce off of the bleachers and are still stuck right where she wiped them.

Anyway, what I'd like to know is if you think boogers bounce. I told her I was going to ask you all -- not that she will ever admit defeat if you do agree with me -- and she was okay with that. You may comment anonymously, I don't care, but please tell me if you too think boogers bounce. The decision of who won the game is in the balance here.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Who'da Thunk It?

Wow. Talk about being able to be knocked over with a feather. The other day I got a letter from the SSA saying that my disability case was remanded back to them from the district court and I get a new hearing. I had to call my lawyer to make sure that what I was reading was what I was reading, because I couldn't believe it. What I was reading was what I was reading and I think I passed out from the shock for a few minutes there. (Good thing Acorn knew it was just a swoon, because I have a horrible fear of needing someone to call 911 for me while I still live in this town. There is this HUGE, fat, nasty guy on the volunteer fire department here and I DO NOT want him cutting off my clothes and giving me CPR. That is a fate worse than death. And for the record, he is a total jerk besides being HUGE, fat and nasty.)

I had spent a few nights with my sweaty (and hairy) palms clutching my blankets, worrying that I would get a letter telling me that the district court decided that the judge was right and I do need to go start bagging some groceries (http://blindbeardsmsblog.blogspot.com/2008/07/ill-bag-their-groceries.html). Then I would have to file another appeal and wait that much longer. Apparently the courts decided that it may not be the best idea in the history of forever for someone with a chronic, progressive neurological disease to be bagging up peoples' groceries. And who has baggers anymore anyway? I can't remember the last time anyone bagged my groceries for me, besides the people shopping with me and they don't count. And I mean the old fashioned kind of bagging where they take your groceries to your car for you and load it up, too. (I wonder if I would have made any tips doing that? Maybe a pity coin here and there...)

Now I'm spending my nights with my sweaty (and hairy) palms clutching my blankets dreaming of being able to afford being alive. Of not having to go bag groceries. Of having more than $4 to spend on myself each month. I may have $5 and won't I feel rich then!

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

How Do I Love Thee?

With Princess and Sugarbowl no longer living with me, I feel like my creative juices done dried up. Don't get me wrong, Acorn can crack out some hot ones, but Sugarbowl and I have been playing off each others wit for almost 32 years now, so we have perfected our most hilarious (to us) jokes. Sadly, not everyone -- Princess -- appreciates our witty ways. One time, while we were waiting for Princess to finish basketball practice, which is always fun because she lollagags and takes her sweet time about it, we made a list of things about her that annoyed us. It was born from our extreme irritation with waiting for her to come out after basketball practice when she was in there messing around knowing full well that we were sitting out in the car, in the middle of winter, waiting for her. And I don't mean just practicing longer, I mean truly messing around. Like, "we were turning our jerseys inside out and walking backwards! It was soooo funny! Then we took off one shoe and hopped on one leg! Ha ha ha!" All this for 10-15 minutes while we are waiting in the car. It gets a little annoying, to say the very least. So we made this list of things that annoyed us about her, nothing really mean, just things like "she never put out a solo record" and such. The list we made has been lost, but recently, going through our crap getting ready to move, I found the list she made about the things that she doesn't like about us. I am going to put it on here, with all misspellings intact, because it is too good to be lost. She is growing up to be just like her mom and aunt (wiping a tear from my eye), whether she wants to be like us or not.

Reasons I Hate Mom And [Blindbeard]

1. They are butt heads

2. They never forget anything

3.They change a story and think its twice as hilarious as the first time

4. [Blindbeard] steals my animals

5. They rename my animals gay nicknames

6. They snikker alot

7. Mom is always pooping

8. They make fun of me

9. They repeat quotes that weren't funny the first time and make them even less funny

10. You cannot have 2 seconds peace

(crossed out)11. They're borying

11. They agree with each other and not me

12. They don't listen to me

I have been reading this list to everyone and laughing over it. Princess still agrees with everything on there. Maybe my memory has faded over the last few months, but is her mom always pooping? I don't remember her always being on the toilet, but Princess still stands by that list, so I guess Sugarbowl is always pinching loaves.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Dear Blindbeard: The Agree To Disagree Edition

Sometimes you just gotta agree to disagree. These are a few of those times. But it doesn't mean I love you any less or that you are any less adorable, because every one knows that you are adorable!

Dear Blindbeard,

Frankly, I disagree with your perspective on the parking lot encounter. I just think that guy was, in his way, looking out for us all. So many people cheat and illegally use those parking placards. [I know, because my brother took mine for awhile before I caught him and took it back.] There aren't many handicapped parking police, so we have to keep an eye out for each other. Can you really say you were so offended by his simple query?

BTW, back in the day when my disability was invisible, someone actually spit on my windshield when I was in the store. Another time I was yelled at from across a parking lot. It's hard to explain under those circumstances, but I just take the bad along with the good, and appreciate having the privilege of close parking.


Dear Beautiful Webster,

I really can say I was VERY offended by his simple query because it all boils down to one thing for me: IT IS NO ONE'S BUSINESS WHAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE WRONG WITH ME! In fact, if he too "is like me" and has good days and bad days, shouldn't he of all people understand that even though to him I seem "so able" that maybe, just maybe, I have a similar problem to his? We have all seen people park in handicapped and thought that they sure didn't look like they needed it, but since being diagnosed, I now assume that they must have something wrong that is not apparent to me but must affect them in some way. I don't presume to judge their disability level and do not appreciate any one judging mine.

I realize that I sound very angry here, but I am not angry with you, my dear. I get angry every time I think of that man and want to hunt his pompous ass down and stuff my medical records up his wazoo. My sister was so angry with him because she said that he has no idea of what we all have been through since I have been diagnosed, ie my suicide attempt, my extremely low opinion of myself, my propensity to want to harm myself when I get too down, etc etc, and he has no business judging me.

I'm sorry that you have had people react that way to you, and you must be a much better person than I am because I would have yelled some very colorful words back at those people and started a rumble in that parking lot. It is just not any one's business and I do not appreciate people making it their business.


Dear Blindbeard,

I am somewhat confused. Really.

Visiting a MS-related website I always expect to find something related.

But this isn't a case. But that's probably OK.

By the way, I, being a MS-er, am concentrating on natural MS cures.

I cured my MS in 1997 and have no exacerbations from since.

All best

Czes Kulvis

Dear Beautiful Czes Kulvis,

I can't be all MS all the time. It depresses me and bores me too much. Besides, I may have MS but that is only one part of my life and of me. If I had to talk all MS all the time I would crochet myself a noose with "Goodbye crewel world!" crocheted into it and hang myself. And as I can't crochet a thing, I choose to not talk MS all the time.

There are so many great MS websites out there that are all MS and I visit them to keep abreast of what's going on in the world of MS, but I have a feeling that is not what you really wanted to comment about. Call it a hunch, but I have a feeling you really wanted to talk about your "cure" for MS. While I am deeply interested -- yawn -- in your cure, I am going to stick with my own regime of dealing with my MS until science proves a better way of dealing with it. And if that way does indeed prove to be your way, I will become a most devoted minion to you. Until that time, I hope you remain exacerbation free for another 13 years.


Saturday, June 12, 2010

If I Said...

That an ex's wife is unattractive, would that sound like sour grapes? Even though we parted on good terms and I'm not convinced that was the wrong choice, can I still say that she is a little flaky and... silly, without sounding jealous? Because I'm not jealous and I know that those grapes aren't exactly to my taste, but it still sounds bad to me to point out these things about his wife.

I ran into an ex recently and we happened to be in a place where we could talk for awhile without getting in any one's way, sadly. I'm not hip on the long, "Sooooo, how have you been?" conversations because how do you sum up X amount of years and having MS and the havoc it wreaked upon my life without out feeling like the violins should be playing in the background? His wife was friendly enough, but she acted and said a few things that were, well, flaky and silly, and he and I met eyes when she did these things, like we were in agreement that what she had just said/done was a little flaky and silly. Apparently there is something there, because he did marry her, and even though I didn't think she was attractive, he must. That is a very unkind thing for me to say because nobody is nominating me for Miss Universe, and I'm sure there are plenty of people who thought the same thing when I got married. I was a skinny stick with such short hair that people always asked me if I were a lesbian. On second thought, maybe they thought my ex was getting lucky and I would bring a girlfriend into the mix... Who knows?

I also couldn't help wondering how things would have been if he and I had gotten married. How would he have handled my MS? Makes me think of that Sheryl Crow song, "Are You Strong Enough To Be My Man?" And, sadly, I'm not sure he could have dealt with it as well as my ex did. Could he have handled the spotlight being taken off of him and shined on a wife with a disease? Everyone asking how his wife is instead of fawning over him? He always had a way of making me feel like second best. Second best to his ex, that one girl he dated etc. He always gave left handed compliments -- and I'm left handed, so no offense to any lefties out there. "Yeah, I love you, but it makes me think of this one time with this one girl who I really loved... blah blah blah." It always made me feel like I would never measure up. So obviously she did measure up. I wonder if she has to always hear about some ex, if I am ever that ex that she is second best to. Does she get tired of always having everything traced back to some other situation with some other girl that leaves you feeling like you will never be on the same level as she is?

Maybe that is why he chose someone flaky and silly. She will always be willing to give up the spotlight to him and may not mind hearing about all those superior women who came before her. Or maybe I am too busy being flaky and silly and feasting on sour grapes to see the truth here. I don't regret he and I parting ways, but I am surprised at what was better than me.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

I'm In Love With Mary Jane

That's right! I said it! Beings as I'm always the last to figure anything out, I just recently discovered how much marijuana helps my MS. Sure, I had heard about it and my ex was always trying to get me to do it, and he is not a smoker of any kind. He heard about Montel Williams smoking it and decided I needed to do it too. About 4 years ago I tried it because my left eyeball was killing me. It worked, but it made me hungry and tired -- 2 things I didn't need any help with after gaining 55 lbs from the steroids and struggling with a depression that wanted me to sleep all the time. Now after 4 years of getting to really know my MS and having tried all kinds of different meds to help me with pain and spasticity, I found something that works better.

My little sister came over one day when I was in a foul mood due to a killer pain in my legs and face. She had some wacky tobaccy so I asked her to share some with me. I could not believe how good I felt after smoking. The pain in my legs and face went away and suddenly my legs were not so stiff and I felt like I was walking like a normal person. I felt so good, I didn't want to sit. I wanted to walk and walk and walk, because I couldn't get over how great my legs felt. I slept like a baby on a double dose of Nyquil and felt so rested and not so stiff the next morning that I wanted to shout it from the roof tops that I'm in love with Mary Jane.

When I started doing more research about the effects of marijuana on MS, I was even more convinced that I need to smoke it. It may even slow down the disease progression. When my mom read all the stuff I had found, she wanted me to smoke it more than I already was, and my mom is a SQUARE! In fact, she drug me outside and sat on the porch with me to smoke because she said it is a bunch of sh*t that I can't do this legally (in Nebraska) and she would go to court with me to give anyone an earful that is feeling lucky enough to take on my mom. And my mom is one tough old bird.

The only down side to my newest favorite pass time is that I don't get "high" like back in the day when I didn't smoke it for medicinal reasons. Sure, I feel good, but I don't get all giggly and stuff. Maybe because I'm more interested in how great my body feels? I don't know and I don't care. I do know that it takes away my pain and lets me sleep better than I have in years. Ahhh, Mary Jane, lets run away together, like to Colorado, where we can love legally.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Tired Of My Own B.S., Gimme Some Of Yours

I am so sick of the same worries rolling around in my head. I am thoroughly bored stiff with them. I have had the same thoughts tumbling over each other for too long now: Money... need to get packing... little dog not house trained yet... so poor... this stuff ain't going to pack itself... how did I miss that huge pile in my room?... will I ever have more than $4 to my name?... what if this house doesn't go through?... why does he have to hold it until he gets back inside?... maybe I should look into prostitution, I wonder if they have night classes for that?... ugh! I hate moving and if I don't have a perfectly neat move, my mom will bitch the whole time!... is he afraid the grass will chap his poor delicate behind?

And around and around. So I would now like to switch worries with you. You worry about my crap, and I'll worry about yours. Please do not hesitate to tell me what's worrying you right now. I am ready to worry about your finances, living situation, and even the poop and pee stains on your carpets. I'm so sick of worrying about my crap and I bet yours are more interesting.