Found

Sadly, I did not find Braincheese's memory (http://brain-cheese.blogspot.com/2009/03/lost-and-found.html). I found something I had forgotten I had: bones. My first year after being diagnosed, I did the steroids 4 times in about 10 months and gained about 55 lbs. 55 lbs! That's even more insane than me! Luckily (??) I was "underweight" to begin with, so the weight gain did not cause any concern amongst the learned, even though I was concerned. I've always been thin; I have a smaller frame so weight does not stack up on me in an attractive way. Being almost 5' 10" barefoot, I can hide some weight better than my shorter comrades, but I can't hide an extra 55 lbs any better than anyone else. My face became a perfect circle and I lost my cheekbones for so long, I forgot what having cheekbones even looked like. I was not used to having such a big hind end, and tried not to look at my butt as much as possible -- it only stressed me out to think that people could walk behind me and see that jiggling around like I was smuggling cottage cheese in my pants. If I am going to smuggle anything in my pants, I would choose something better than cottage cheese, like peanut butter, or Reese's Pieces -- mmmmm! Before I get lost in contemplation of all things peanut-buttery and race into the kitchen to pillage our supply of peanut butter, I better get back to the subject at hand. (Peanut Butter, you and I have a hot date later today.)

I had actually given up on the idea of losing any weight and had accepted myself heavier. After being "too thin" for most of my adult life, I was enjoying having some curves -- not all of them, mind you. But because my butt was behind me (no pun intended), I was able to forget about it and enjoy the rest of having some meat on my bones, especially after I dropped about 15 lbs. I am now about 10 lbs heavier than I was before I did the steroids and, to be totally honest, I liked my body better about 15 lbs ago -- something my mom cannot wrap her head around. I don't want to say she has an eating disorder, but she is really weird about her weight. She grew up in an extremely dysfunctional home and if they gained any weight at all it was an occasion to make fun of them, so she has issues about 3 fat cells grouped up together on any part of her body -- a problem her daughters do not have.

I started dropping the weight after my antidepressants were switched to non-appetite stimulating drugs. Then my anti-fatigue meds jumped in to help suppress my urge to grab the funnel and empty the contents of the kitchen down my throat. Lastly, the MS Hug makes it painful to have too full of a stomach, so I have to nibble throughout the day instead of eating large quantities of anything, so the weight just keeps dropping off. Yeah, it's nice to have my cheekbones back, but there is a definite down side to having bones again. I fell up the stairs the other day and got bruises in places I didn't know could bruise. When I was fatter, my fat cells cushioned my falls and I didn't get as many bruises. Now I am more bruise than woman. It's hard to get comfortable when you have to shift around to find a place that isn't too sore for you to lay on. It's starting to get warmer and I may have to show off my bruised bird legs in shorts because I can't take the heat and shorts keep me cooler. And, to top it all off, none of my clothes fit well anymore and I'm too poor to afford any new ones, so I walk around with saggy bottomed jeans that make me look like I need a diaper change.

I never had much of a sweet tooth and getting back to my old self, thanks to med changes, has killed any desire for sweets, so I can't eat a bunch of candy to make my clothes fit better and get my body back to where I liked it best. And I can't eat more because the diabolical MS Hug won't let me fill up my guts without causing me an illegal amount of pain. Guess I'll just have to get used to saggy butted jeans and stay away from the Depends aisle in stores lest someone think I need help changing myself.