Lately I have been fighting off the urge to drape my lazy, boneless, apathetic self on the couch and not do anything. And my house shows it. It is so messy and horrible I'm embarrassed to admit I live here and am not just visiting. While lounging about like a Greek goddess, I have been pondering the whole Crazy Or MS thing. I know that the vast majority of people with MS will suffer depression at some point in their lives (or the whole point of their lives, in my case) but I have been wondering if maybe my mental disturbances had more to do with whatever causes one to get MS than my own defective brain, or maybe that is the same thing? Maybe I had so many mental problems because my brain was predisposed to MS, or is that just crazy talk? To me it only makes sense that one would have different mental problems (like anxiety, depression, "mood disorders" etcetera) when the fluid on the brain is... different -- not the best word but the best I can come up with at this time. I was reading Weeble Girl's blog http://messystuffalifewithms.blogspot.com/2008/09/birthday-time-and-depression.html and could relate to it. I first contemplated suicide in the 5th grade. I stock piled a bunch of different pills and even cut my wrist, which I still have the scars from. My mom found my pills and took them away, so I started drinking the cough syrup, which was then taken away too. I dabbled with anorexia, but didn't like the light-headedness or the sick feeling of being too hungry. I couldn't do bulimia because I never throw up and to try and make myself would be way too much effort, having a very weak gag reflex. The main difference between her story and mine is that my family, while knowing I had issues, thought they were of no great consequence and that I was just going through a phase or doing it for attention (duh, isn't that the ultimate cry for help?). At the time my family was struggling financially and my parents' marriage, while never good, was at an all time low point. Our family life was so bad nobody had time to notice that I was having major issues because everybody was struggling. I learned to keep my feelings to myself and not talk about my problems and never, under any circumstances, trust anybody else. They had shown me that they either could not or would not be able to help me. I don't fault my parents though. My dad made it clear that he never wanted kids so we were our mother's problem, which has severely influenced my opinion of men. My mother was working 2 jobs, trying to keep our heads above water and we even had to get food from the church a few times because we were so poor. I have a very hard time letting anyone in or even close to me, I learned to rely only on myself. That is the major difference between Weeble Girl and I: she wanted closeness and I am scared of intimacy, and I mean that on every level. One of the results of all this is that I am not as kind as I would like to be. I tend to be more hard hearted than the average rock pile and my emotions are not easily touched. That has some pros and cons. I am not easily hurt by other people and do not give my emotions easily . A major con is that I can't give much of myself and feel like I'm missing out by being so reticent.
I hate being so serious and telling so much about myself, but I am trying to leave my "comfort zone" more often and challenge myself in the hopes of personal growth. I hate personal growth -- it can be so painful and uncomfortable. But I also hate being mired down by my own limitations and want to break out of the prison of my own making. So to that end, I am going Halloween shopping with Princess today in an effort to get out of the house more and mingle with the natives. Mingling with the natives is hard for me. I feel so insecure about the way I walk and etcetera... but here is where leaving my comfort zone may behoove me.
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