I Need A Vacation From Myself

I don't know what my problem is. If it was at all physically, spiritually, functionally, horizontally or vertically possible I would think I am PMSing. But its not. (Total hysterectomy almost 7 years ago and it has been one of the biggest blessings in my unblessed life.) I can feel the glower on my face and thank the patron saint of urban myths that my face can't freeze this way. I am feeling extremely crabby, bitchy, angry and any other word you can think of for it. Yesterday, while running errands, a truck with a bunch of guys slowly poked through an intersection that I was waiting to turn at. They yelled something at me and waved, something positive, but I was in no mood for admiration. My window was down so I stuck my head out and yelled, "Hurry the hell up!" at them. They took no notice, just kept ogling as they crawled through the intersection. I bet if I had yelled, "I'm broke, got a fat ass and my antibiotics are giving me explosive diarrhea!" at them they would have floored it. Alas, I missed my chance by being polite. Please allow me to vent for a minute, maybe it will make me feel better if I sum up what is bothering me.

This is my life?!
I know I mentioned this yesterday, but it is still hanging over my head like a dark cloud of acid rain. The only good thing about this is that I know it is not forever. I do have some plans in the works, I am just at a stagnant point right now, waiting for some things to get going. In the mean time I have been amusing myself by sticking faces on everything around the house. And I mean everything: the phone, the remote, the stapler, the flower pots, the clocks. They all have stupid faces and even some googly eyes mixed in there. It cheers me to see so many happy faces and others annoyance that whatever they go to use has a face on it. I have even been putting googly eyes on pictures around the house so everyone looks shocked/surprised in the photos. Stupid, immature, ridiculous? Heck yes, but fun none the less.

I lent my truck for others to move some stuff and it is a MESS.
I know that sounds petty, but when I borrow something from someone I treat it like gold. I don't leave half full cups in it to leak and leave sticky messes everywhere. I don't throw my trash on the floor especially when they have a trash bag in the car for such things. I don't mess with the settings on the dashboard, like the brightness of the lights or override the automatic headlights so that they have to reset everything. And I certainly do not scratch and dent the side of it. They moved my little sister's bf/f's motorcycle here and rammed it in, leaving a nice ripped up spot that dug up the paint and even scratched up the metal underneath. It just about plucked my eyeballs from my head when I saw that and I made a mental note to not lend them my truck ever again.

My little sister and I are fighting.
I know I started this one. I lost my patience with their extreme slovenliness and went into their room one morning and ripped the covers off of them (while praying they weren't sleeping naked) and made them get up and clean their crap up. Okay, maybe that was a tad too extreme. But when my house gets too messy I get a really bad feeling, like I can't move or don't even have room to breathe. I call it chaffing when it gets really bad, and I am not always the most rational when I start feeling that way. She says she is tired of me bossing her around (but I'm the big sister!) and telling her what to do. I say, "too damn bad! If you don't want me bossing you around clean up your sh*t around the house and quit being so lazy!" That and she is really behind in paying me back for her half of the rent each month. Being sisters it disintegrated into "that's mine, you can't use it! I bought that, you can't eat it! This is my room, you can't come in here. Your head is over the line!" and so on.

I need my space.
This may be the biggest factor to my rotten mood. My husband works for UPRR so he was gone 60% of the time. I had that time to myself. The house to myself, my time to myself, no one to worry about but myself, quiet when I wanted it, able to go and do as I please in that time. Now there is always some one here, always others around, no where to go to get away and I am feeling hemmed in. Like I can't get any time to just think my thinks.

Okay, enough bitching. I am going to launch myself into public today, which may not be good for them but hopefully will help combat this foul mood that is polluting everything around me like a noxious gas. I think if I go to Target (my favorite store) and look at pink fluffy stuff it will make me feel better. If that doesn't work I am going to get lost in a bookstore, that never fails to cheer me up.