What exactly would a potpourri of MS smell like? In my case it would smell like alcohol swabs, fresh bedsheets with a sleeping body on it, coffee (to keep me out of that fresh bed), turpentine (to clean my paintbrushes), and the cold air from my window that I leave open year round. I remember reading about how Stephen King came up with his ideas for books. He said that it was like what gets caught in your drain, the stuff you have to clean out from time to time otherwise it will build up too much to allow water to drain. I think that is a perfect analogy of what happens to me. I get a build up of ideas and words that I have to clean out of my head to move on to the next idea. So without a single definite idea, here is the potpourri of ideas that need to be cleaned out so I can move on:
Secondary To MS.
Maybe it is just my bad luck, but it seems that ever since I was diagnosed with MS everything about me has become secondary to it. I am not longer just me. I am me secondary to MS. When I made a "suicidal gesture" it was recorded as a "mood disorder secondary to MS." My overwhelming depression and anxiety are "secondary to MS." When I got deathly ill (in my own mind at least) after the steroids and thought I might have pneumonia, the doctor found that I only had a bad lung infection that was "secondary to MS" due to the steroids, which always mess up my lungs. If I complain about any problems I am having, bodily or mentally, they are always taken in the context of my MS. I know MS messes with the whole organism, but sometimes I feel like I got pushed aside for my MS to take over my (pathetic) life. Anything I say or do that may be a little different from the norm is chalked up to my having MS. I know people love to say that they have MS, it doesn't have them, but sometimes I feel like it has me because I cannot be taken as just me. I will always be secondary to MS and that really chaps my hide.
Too Thin Women.
This is not totally related to MS, well, not even close actually, but it has been on my mind lately. Whenever I see a too thin woman I can't help but be glad that I have some meat on my bones. I am hwp (height/weight proportionate, for those of you not up on singles' ad talk) and proud of it. Before 4 rounds of steroids in 10 months, I was an underweight 125lbs at 5'10" so I know about the whole too thin thing -- but mine was not intentional. I didn't like my saggy jeans that looked like I dropped a stinky in them and I certainly didn't enjoy not having much on top. The 4 rounds of steroids made me gain 55lbs of which I have lost over 20lbs, I wouldn't mind losing maybe 10lbs more -- but that is all. Before starting Copaxone I was a full 34C. One of the less common side effects of Copaxone, that I was unlucky enough to get, is "breast tissue enlargement." I went from my acceptable 34C to an unacceptable 34D with double boob for awhile there, but there is no way on this side of the grave that I will go up to a 34DD, NO WAY! Even though I have lost about 25lbs, I am still firmly in the 34D size and unhappy about it. I always thought big boobs would be heaven on earth. I was dead wrong. They suck. They are hard to hide and if they show I feel like that is all anyone sees, especially when I see their eyes dart to my chest, back to my face, down to my chest, back up to me etcetera. I have also noticed that when I venture into an area of more money, the women get thinner. I don't envy their boy-bodies at all. I like having hips and a waist, not just a straight line. And I even enjoy having a little more on top, even though I wish it was a little less, because these women have nothing. Do men really find this attractive? I find it so unfeminine and too 12-year-old-boy-like. I also think they see me and are glad they are thinner than me while I am looking at them and am glad I am heavier than them. I love having curves and wouldn't be a beanpole again for anything.
The worst part of being single again is getting used to not having to care for someone else. Sure, I do all the housework and cooking, but I am having a hard time getting used to not having someone else to keep up on. I used to give my husband manicures, pedicures, facials, and all sorts of different things to keep him presentable. Now I don't have anyone to do that for and it feels weird, like something is missing. I give my sister pedicures but she isn't into facials as much, even though she really needs them -- her pores are so clogged (and I have a horror of clogged pores). I used to plan meals by what others' like and wanted to eat. Now I just throw together something for Princess and I and it is usually kid-friendly, and we all know how quickly kid-friendly food can get old. I feel like I need someone to shop for, stock up the house for, hang their shirts up the right way for, iron their clothes as needed, keep the food and shampoos and soaps they like in ample supply, keep a clean house for and so on. I have toyed with the idea of making a resume for someone in need of a woman's services (not sexual -- not ready for that yet). I could give copies to my brother-in-law, he is a fireman and knows plenty of men who could probably use my services. As it is all these housewifely talents are being wasted when there are probably people in need out there with wrinkled shirts and no hot meals. And that is just not right.
Those are the main things that have been rattling around in my head and clogging up my thoughts, but now that they are out of the way I can move on to the next idea, and I'm sure it will be my usual nonsense. Like lately I have been pondering why I am such a klutz who always has her foot in her mouth... but that will be a different post.
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