Ashamed

*Update: Yesterday I helped Princess get her room in order, even though my original plan was to do my own. We hung up this net thing over her bed that she has coveted since I got it. I couldn't use it because my husband hated it (he thought it was too hard to get in and out of) and because we had a kitten that liked to hang from it. It makes her bed look so fancy, she wanted to show everybody it. We also hung a curtain thing over her doorway. One of those with colored strings. She loves both of those things and never suspected that I put off my room to do her's because I feel bad for being so mean. Honestly, I don't want her to know that because I am afraid she will never let me forget it and will use it against me.


I don't mean to be a bitch -- most of the time. Sometimes I can't help it. When the house is on the verge of being condemned and no one seems to care, I get a little bitchy. When the lawn resembles a rain forest and no one seems concerned that the MSer is out there mowing when she really shouldn't be, I lose my good humor quickly. I've been trying to be a little nicer, but they take advantage of my trying and slack even more, which is hard to believe but true. Yesterday, when Princess and I were working on the lawn, me mowing and her picking up sticks and dog toys, I told her to go get the other pair of mowing shoes on so that she and I could take turns mowing. She was gone for so long I started thinking some extremely negative thoughts about kids, nobody wanting to help out, every body's lack of concern about me mowing etc. etc. She finally comes back out and her face is all red, her eyes puffy and her nose running. I instantly realized that she was gone for so long because, in the sh*t pile of our house, she was unable to find the other pair of shoes and was in there worried about how I would respond when she came back out without them on. I was horribly ashamed that my bad attitude would make her feel so bad about not being able to find the shoes that she would get so upset about it. For all her puberty ridden, snarky ways, she is still a little girl. It is easy to forget when she has such lovely adolescent moments. I pretended not to notice that she had been crying, because I knew she would be embarrassed about it, and just told her to forget the shoes and keep helping me pick up sticks. I could see the relief on her face that I wasn't mad and felt like the biggest heel in the world. When we were finished with the lawn and went back inside, I was even more ashamed when I saw that she had torn through every place the shoes could have possibly been. She hadn't come inside and just lack-a-daisly looked around and lollagagged while I mowed, she had really tried to find them. I honestly can't remember the last time I felt this ashamed. Earlier she had suggested we have a movie night, so I asked her if she still wanted to do that. I cooked up a mess of mini tacos, let her pick out the movie, and we ate in front of the TV, which I almost never do or allow. I even let her have the best spot for TV watching. I feel so guilty that I made a solemn vow to change my attitude, especially in regards to her. There are better ways to convey my dissatisfaction then being a huge bitch, and I am now going to utilize those other ways.