Thursday, February 26, 2009


*Author's Note: I agree, Lisa E., I probably shouldn't "nip" at the dogs' noses ("nip" is a nicer term than what is the reality, but I appreciate your toning it down for me). If the dogs were not such raging ass hats, I would probably leave them alone, but if I don't pick on them first, they drive me CRAZY! If they aren't digging to China in the backyard, they are barking incessantly at nothing anyone can see except them, and this usually way too early in the morning. If there is not a constant sharp eye trained on them 100% of the time, they will chew up anything and everything in their path, hence why the furniture and rugs are all frayed and ragged from them. They constantly fight in the middle of the night, usually in the room I'm sleeping in or in the hall right outside our doors. If I'm nice to them they take advantage of me and make me sorry for my kindness because they live by the motto, "no good deed goes unpunished."

We got an APB on one Blindbeard's sleep. That's an APB on Blindbeard's sleep. It was last seen at 3:27 am on February 26 in her bed. If spotted please return it to her; she misses it terribly.

Why can't I sleep? Is it because my trigeminal neuralgia was killing me and made it impossible to find a comfortable place to lay my head? Or the splitting headache that throbbed to a tune all it's own? I NEVER get out of bed before 4 am. Anything before that is unacceptable and considered middle of the night, and who gets up in the middle of the night besides freaks like me?! I can always tell when there is no sleep left in me and the dogs know it too. If Good Blankets Go Bad I know I need to hang it up and just get out of bed. When the blankets decide to pinch the dogs' noses and wrap themselves around them, I know there is not one drop of sleep left in my pathetic body anymore, it has been all slept out. The good thing is the dogs have never figured out that it is me making the blankets attack, and go after the blankets like they are demons come to torment the piss out of them. Hmmm, come to think of it, that may not be my bestest idea yet: a lot of my blankets have holes in them from the dogs' retaliation. (Mental note to self: Self, please find a new way to torment the dogs that does not jeopardize your beautimus blankies.)

My dog has a personal vendetta against gloves of any sort due to all my gloves having an inability to resist giving his nose a good squeeze. Our neighbor here told me that he tried to pet my dog over the fence when working in his backyard one day and my dog bit his glove. He told me this in an accusing way, like I could go back in time and change the whole thing. I apologized profusely and heartfelt-ly, and was truly embarrassed that my years of torment made my usually gentle dog bite someone -- or their glove to be exact. In our old house, from the time my dog was still a puppy and for several years after, we had a wood burning stove. Going out to get wood to feed the thing, my dog would bark and try to play with me in the snow. He would try to take the logs out of my arms and run away with them. In the dead of winter, filling my arms with rough logs, I would always be wearing gloves, and those gloves would grab and pinch his nose when he would try to run off with my wood. Fast forward to the next season and I would be out working in the yard (a personal passion that I still can't get enough of, even though I have to do it early mornings and at sundown now) and I would be wearing my gardening gloves. My dog would try to steal the tools of my trade, so my gardening gloves would attack his nose. Even to this day I have to hide my yard tools and gardening gloves, because if they are left out he will take them and destroy them in minutes, hence why I have spent a ton of money on replacements and have a gardening tools/gardening gloves grave yard in every backyard of every house I have lived in ever since I got my dog.

So when I woke up at 3:27 this morning, and my blankets decided to try and wrap themselves around the little dog like loving swaddling clothes, I let them attack the Midget Poo Poo Platter until 4 am. Then I gave up and left those evil blankets to make a strong pot of coffee -- I'm going to need it today after so little sleep.


Jen said...

Sadly, 4am can be my own point of departure into that "good night..."

Cathy said...

I was in the same boat last night. Couldn't sleep but oh so tired. The dogs figured out I was awake and suddenly went into play mode. I wasn't into that at 2:00 am so I just cuddled with them and watched crappy TV.

Lisa Emrich said...

I"m with Jen on the nocturnal habits of East Coast bloggers. Hardly ever start snoring until 1:30am or later. But I don't really snore, it's just heavy breathing.

Funny thing, tho, I thought you were talking about your feet as dogs rather than actual yippee dogs.

Maybe the dogs attack your dogs because they resemble your fingers under those covers. Cause, geez, your covered fingers are constantly nipping at their noses.

If you were a dog, what would you do?