The comments from my last post were excellent. In fact they were so good I decided to take your advice and I am now using sha-ZAM shadoobie as often as possible to the confusion of my roomies. I also could only think of one thing that is "dys" and that is dysentery and I really do not want that, so it made me thankful that I was only suffering from the dis-es. Talking to my mom, after she read my blog, she suggested that if I want things in my life different, I need to change some things about myself. At dinner last night I was talking about that and how maybe, maybe I need a better attitude, which my roomies agreed with so quickly and enthusiastically that I thought maybe I am a teensy, tiny bit crabby and a little too anal sometimes. I am trying to put myself in their place and be more empathic to others' problems, worries, concerns etcetera. I found my mother's advice to be very profound. It only makes sense that if I expect things to change that I change something about myself, the way I handle things, or even my attitude. It makes me think of that quote from a man who survived one of the WWII concentration camps (I'm sorry that I can't think of his name right now) who said, "The last human freedom is the ability to choose your own attitude." And to that end I am choosing to be a more pleasant roomie and have a more upbeat attitude in general. I don't want anyone to keel over from the shock of that last statement, especially as my defibulator is not charged up, because I may be more pleasant in my day to day life but I am still at war with MS in general. It is not going to get off that easy. I'm not about to go skipping and singing about MS, it still frustrates and infuriates me, but I am not going to take it out on those around me. This may end up being more difficult than I am bargaining on. I have been wearing my coat of many mood swings for quite some time and throwing it off makes me feel a little... exposed. But, beaver's dam it all, a major change is overdue! I am going to be empathetic, more patient, and tolerant if it kills me, and it may very well. I have been wallowing in my selfish anger and lashing out on those I care the most about for too long. Instead of internalizing my anger I am going to work on letting down the walls and letting those who want to be there for me help me. Why is asking for help so hard? Especially when most of us are more than willing to help out anyone who needs it? I hate working on myself, it is so painful and uncomfortable; but this time I am determined. I have punished those around me enough, they have been through a lot with me and still want me around them, which says volumes about their quality and the depth of their love for me. So I am embarking on a new course. This could get ugly. Not sure the public is ready for a new and improved Blindbeard. But don't worry, I still feel the same way about MS and will still spew my usual irritation with the disease that tries to tell me what I can and can't do. Now I am off to spread my new attitude to the world at large. Good morning world and all who inhabit it!
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