Do you hear that? That "thump drag thump drag" sound? That's the sound of me pacing the floor with an MS leg. I don't know what the word is for how I am feeling, but I do know that it starts with a dis- and them something. My word recall is not always so hot and I have no idea where my thesaurus is, or if I even have one anymore. I look at my lot in life and realize that its not a lot but it is my life. Somewhere along the lines everything got messed up. I never planned to be a bottom feeder who cooks and cleans for a gaggle of ingrates. I love Princess to death and would lay my life down for me with a smile on my face if that is what it took, but sometimes I feel like there has to be more to life than spending all my time with a 10 year old, watching PG13 or lower rated movies. I hate to admit this, but sometimes I am jealous of those who can still work. I know my little sister goes off to work and sees me getting ready to nap and is jealous that I can stay home, but she doesn't realize how much I do before she pulls her lazy arse out of bed around noon. I got up around 4:30 this morning and am going to shower and clean after writing this. I got Princess up and off to school with teeth and hair brushed -- so she looks loved-- and pit juice on so she doesn't knock everyone dead when she raises her hand to answer a question. My ambivalence about society makes me one day need to get out of the house and the next not feel like hob-nobbing with the natives. I do different "charitable" things that I am not willing to talk about, but they are no where near what I want to do, what I would do if I could afford the gas -- FLIPPIN' SSA! And my MS dictates all too often what I am able to do day by day, making my volunteering more difficult due to being unable to give set days that I can do anything. And sadly, I have more days where I can't do anything for anybody but try to cook and clean for said herd of ingrates. How did I fall in with this group? Is it true that birds of a feather flock together? Am I a lazy ingrate who can't see a full trash can or an empty toilet paper roll? I think being a bottom feeder limited my options.
Ever have those days where you are feeling overwhelmed by dissatisfaction? I go to bed and sleep even though I feel like I did nothing all day and don't really need the rest but my night meds say otherwise. I get up and survey the house and make a plan to get it back in order so the posse of wild slobs can mess it up again, giving me something to do tomorrow. I'm dissatisfied with the way my marriage ended, disenchanted with men in general and my ability to pick out a good one. I don't think its possible for me to have distemper, but feel like foaming at the mouth and running down the street barking at everything just to have something break up the monotony of my life, even though I know that's not what distemper is. I'm pretty sure I'm not dismembered but with the itchiness of certain parts of my body it is tempting to think about cutting them off. I don't know the word I'm looking for. I just know I gots the ho-hums and could really use a change of pace, something new and different to happen, something out of the ordinary, and I don't mean a luxury vacation, just something of interest to happen. Whether it be getting all the laundry done and being able to see the basement floor (only a pack of wild hogs would think throwing damp laundry on the floor of a basement that gets water in it when it rains is a good idea) or something unexpected to happen while oot and aboot, I'm not picky. But if I don't get out of this rut I may have to do something myself to break up the monotony, and that may not be a pretty thing.
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