An Envelope Full Of Crazy

The other day, Friday to be exact, I got a letter from my lawyer with the copy of his letter to the Appeals Group Of Something Or Other For Wrong Judgements Made By Retarded Judges. It made me glad that I had a lawyer who knew so much legal stuff and could reference so many laws that *%&!# judge had not bothered to use in this case. It also contained information that the judge had not bothered to consider or decided to throw out, which it turns out was unlawful for him to do so (scurvy bastard!). It always interests me how others view me and I am always curious about what doctors write about me but don't want to tell me. And then I get an envelope full of the stuff they don't tell me and I realize why they don't want to tell me any of that stuff. I know I am a mal-adjusted, crazy person, but to see it in print?! Wow. I didn't realize:

A. That I am that mal-adjusted.

B. That my simple conversations with them could reveal so much about me. And

C. That they are so darn perceptive to pick up on the little nuances of my words and body language.

I had an exam by the SSA shortly after being diagnosed. I think I had only had one attack at that point -- but it was a major one. The findings of the examiner were rather astute. He opined that I would have major difficulties with adjustment to having MS and a high probability of "major depressive episodes" (they will always be nervous breakdowns to me) in the future -- he used a different term for the "major depressive episodes" but I can't remember what that term was; I just know that is what he was saying in fancy talk. This came a year before my suicide attempt and I am wondering how I acted that clued him in on all of this or if he had a crystal ball, it being so accurate (and, yes, that hurt to admit that about the SSA). The judge didn't take any of that into consideration when he found me to be not-insane-in-the-membrane, even though it came straight from the SSA's horse's mouth. Both my therapist and the woman I see for my psychotropic medicines, who is a highly respected mental health nurse practitioner, said the same thing without knowledge of anyone else's findings. My findings on finding out about this are disturbing, to say the least. Maybe I am more transparent then I thought because I am the poster child for mal-adjusted MSers. They predicted that I would have major problems with adjustment way before those problems started to manifest themselves. The psychiatric hospital that I spent 5 days of non-luxury in, diagnosed me as having a mood disorder and severe adjustment disorder. Severe? Really? I wanted to take issue with that but my little sister laughed and said they really nailed me with that one, so I had to accept it as truth as much as it irritated me and made me want to pull out my soap box and contest it on the nearest street corner. The psychiatric nurse also found me to be suffering from a severe mood disorder, secondary to MS of course. (Not sure exactly what a "mood disorder" is. I'll have to look that up later.) Among the other things that they said about me that I wanted to call BULLS*IT on, but my little sister agreed with 100% were: I have a very short attention span; short term memory problems (I can't remember what I was talking about 5 minutes ago and ask the same questions over and over again -- good song!); am easily distracted (my little sister says I will run off to chase something shiny before she can finish a sentence); will distract others with my lack of focus (if I was in the work place -- oh look! Something shiny!); have difficulties with change and do not adjust to said change well; and am at a high risk of further major de... de... can't remember the word right now. Decomposition? Deflation? Decompensation? Detraction? Detention? I don't know and I don't want to look at that letter again to find out. I know I'm crazy, but I really don't want to linger over my craziness in black and white. I find it de... de... demanding? Delicious? Detestable? Degrading?