Friday, June 27, 2008

Anti-Social Tendencies

I think the hardest part of having this disease is how it has changed the way I see myself. I feel so broken down and old and tired that I can't imagine anyone would want to be a part of my life. My family disagrees. They think it is time I rejoin the human race and get over having MS. I know most people would not care that I have MS, but it is so hard to put yourself out there and risk running into the few that don't have 2 brain cells rubbing together and think you are contagious.

I have fallen into a cycle of anti-social-ness that I am struggling to get back out of. For the longest time I would not wear makeup or any clothes that might give someone the impression that I am a girl. And to this day I would rather caulk my bathtub than have to go out to a hip and happening place. I do not fit in at hip and happening places. My scene is the slow and sipping on a soda places. I frequent the library so much the people at the front desk know me and know that I didn't hurt my leg. I wanted to shave my head for a long time too. My husband, which I am now separated from and going through a divorce with, didn't want me to shave my head. I thought a mohawk would be very fitting for me. It says, "Stay away. I want to be unattractive and I don't want to tell you the minutest details of why I walk this way." But he was very accepting of some of my other anti-social tendencies so I figured I could compromise on this one issue. Besides, he works for Union Pacific RR and is gone about 60% of the time and he didn't care what I did when he was not home. And what I did when he was not home involved some beautiful wigs of the mullet variety and in a rainbow of colors.

I toyed with the idea of getting a big repulsive tattoo, because I knew many people are repelled by such things. I didn't do it and I am glad. Having a 10 year old, I don't want to be too out there for her sake. I am hopelessly uncool as it is and I didn't want to make it any worse. I used the term "chillaxing" one day and she was mortified. She said my saying it made it uncool. I know that to kids we are terminally uncool and know nothing, so I really didn't want to make her even more embarrassed of me. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled that I am not cool to a 5th grader -- I am not aspiring to be cool to 5th graders, for some reason that is not a big priority for me -- but I do not want her to be ashamed of me, and that is where I have to draw the line.

I am having a really hard time putting myself out there again, but I am taking small steps towards overcoming this reluctance to join society again. It is a major breakthrough that I even want to try. For a long time I didn't think I would ever want to be recognized as of the humanoid family. It is hard and I get very insecure in public sometimes, but I keep reminding myself that I would not think someone lesser than human with the same problems as me, so I should give others the chance to show they are the same way. This has been a harder thing than I thought, I feel like a hermit crab without its shell -- but I suppose that is how it is supposed to feel.


Anonymous said...

Stop being obsessed with yourself and find some way to give to others even if it is only a positive attitude. I've had MS for 35 years, am still active in the entertainment industry. I want to be remembered as a warrior in life, not a quitter who hides.

Anonymous said...

Dear Blindbeard,
I can so identify with much of what you say. I work with people so I know what you mean about having to explain the way you walk all the time etc.
I hear your pain and I hear that you are trying to change things and get back into life and I just want to cheer you on from the sidelines. It takes courage to step over all that stuff around self image so well done for going out there anyway.
With Blessings


The "art" of antisocial is a skill...I don't really like people all that much, crowds, etc., so it's an "art" to perfect how to avoid such things gracefully. Farting in public is a good way to start...LOL

Linda D. in Seattle