Saturday, January 31, 2009

Return Of Jabber

*Update: Ha ha! I win! My mommy decided that it is worse to be a pill popping addict than to be overweight. And as my mother's word is the final word on any subject (and you would be wise to follow her advice) Sugarbowl had to raise the white flag on this debate.


Mr. Jabber Smith is with us this weekend to celebrate his 8th birthday -- we like to tease him that it is his 5th just to see him get his hackles up. Last night, instead of mining in his nose, it was his butt that had his attention. Or, to be more specific, his crack. I was trying to read and not pay attention to his nonstop chatter, but whenever my little sister asked him if he didn't wipe the last time he had a bowel movement (to put it politely) it would crack me up and take my focus off of my book. I gave up on the book because she was amusing me too much. He was playing Mario baseball on the Wii, which I know is not the real name of it, but I don't care enough about it to use it's formal title. Sugarbowl was chanting, "we want a pitcher, not a butt crack itcher," to my undying amusement. She got tired of watching him dig in his crack so she looked up sources of anal itching to see if she could get to the bottom of it -- he claimed that he did wipe well and that wasn't the problem. She regretted that decision quickly when she stumbled across pin worms and saw a close up picture of them -- YUCK! I couldn't look because the thought alone kicked off my gag reflex, and I have a strong stomach. We don't really think he has pin worms because we've seen the thick mud skid marks in his undies and know the real culprit in this situation, but that didn't stop Sugarbowl's creativity on the subject. Like, "they ain't heavy, their my pin worms!" And so on. If I haven't lost you due to the revolting nature of this story, let me say the worst is over and move on to the next part of all this.

Princess was shaking the chair her mother was sitting in, just messing around to see if she could dump Sugarbowl out of it and Jabber said, "you're not going to be able to move her, she weighs 300 pounds." Sugarbowl nearly had a heart attack right there -- she is not 300 lbs, not even close. She told him that he weighed 10 lbs and he said that he weighed 45 lbs, to which Sugarbowl retorted, "45 lbs of booger weight!" We all yukked it up to that, so much that Jabber was angry and kept trying to insist that he isn't all booger weight, but no one was listening. Then the little sh*t said, after I said that I wasn't very hungry at dinner time, that I wasn't hungry because I "ate so many pills all day." Talk about sputtering and having a heart attack! It made me feel like a pill popping addict that should hide when I take my meds because I am such a pill popping addict. I don't want him going around telling people that I eat pills all day, or to think taking a lot of pills is acceptable (when they are not prescribed for a good reason). I don't get high off my meds and they do serve a purpose besides taking me to my happy place (a beach, surrounded by the Brazilian soccer team, who are scantily clad of course). In fact, they do not take me to my happy place and only allow me to get a handle on my pain.

Now Sugarbowl and I are arguing over which comment was worse: being seen as more than 130 lbs over your actual weight or being a pill hungry addict who needs her own intervention. They both suck and we are both deeply offended. The little turd may not live to see his 5th birthday after all.

11 comments:

Denver Refashionista said...

Ummm, Brazilian soccer team... Good choice. I always have felt that soccer players are the hottest.

Heather said...

I had to read this aloud to my husband. I was laughing out loud and he needed to know what was so funny. Thanks for the laughs!

LISA EMRICH said...

Snort!!!

Guess that Jabber needs his own bidet to take care of the sludges in the pants.

David said...

Eureka, I found it! Something that helps and it’s so simple and logical. I’ve suffered from rectal itch and then hemorrhoids most of my life and then on a trip to Thailand I discovered the bathroom sprayer. Some call it a bidet sprayer, I call it Heaven on Earth as it has completely solved my problem. It eliminates the need for rubbing with toilet paper and then washing with soap which just made it worse because it irritates and takes away you own natural oils that you need. I bought mine at http://www.bathroomsprayers.com and it was amazingly easy to install. Enjoy

BRAINCHEESE said...

We are some strange brainwave...I posted a note about Charmin ads and you are writing about pin worms and butt itch! Great minds think alike, or so I've been told. LOL

So, here's some pin worm expert advice: If you really want to know if Jabber Smith has the "worms", the best way to find out is to wait until bed time, take a piece of scotch tape, and sticky it/remove it from his little "b-hole". Pin worms like to come out at night for some reason and they will stick to the tape. Doesn't treat it, but it sure beats the REST of you getting pin worms to know!!! Yes, I bear bad tidings...they ARE spreadable from human to human because their little eggs (what they come out at night to lay) get picked up in clothing/material on sofas, etc.

NOW, don't you just want to KILL me for telling you this?!? Moohahaha...

Linda D. in Seattle

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