Monday, January 26, 2009

New Club

Due to popular demand, I will now be taking applications for the I Hate Sugarbowl Club. I'd like to let everyone join, but fear that there will not be enough room at our meeting place. We will be meeting on her side of the bed at 5am. I had to break up the I Hate My Husband Club due to my escape from his evil clutches, but that is a small price to pay for my freedom. In addition to meeting at exactly 5am, please bring snacks -- preferably things that are noisy and messy, like crackers or chips and dip. Also, there will be bonus points for anyone who remembers to bring incense because it gives her a raging headache to get even a whiff of them. We will discuss a number of topics and take suggestions for future topics. On the agenda so far is a widely varied list of topics that are of immediate importance. I will be printing up this list but until then here are a few topics that need to be canvassed. They are not set in stone and will be reorganized if there is a more pressing topic that needs to be covered first.

*Why does she have to eat in every room in the house? Does she enjoy roaches and other assorted vermin, because I do NOT! She leaves a trail of wrappers and dishes that is infuriating because I either have to pick up after her or ride her arse about doing it herself. I don't care to play Hansel And Gretel because I know there is no delicious candy/cookie house at the end of her trail.

*She has selective vision. She can see food and anything else pleasant, but not notice the overflowing garbage, the sink stuffed full of dishes, or the mountain of laundry that is forming snow at it's peak.

*Her utter inability to understand that when she drives my car she needs to put gas in it every time! I have made my desire to never have the tank go below a fourth very clear, yet she will still run it down below that level and when I need to use it, hand me the money to put in the tank because it was so cold she didn't want to do it. It's okay for me to freeze, but not her precious pelt. She will tell me that she didn't put gas in it "because it was so cold, but here is the money for gas," without batting an eye. When I point out that it will be just as cold for me and that I will not tolerate any more excuses, she acts surprised that I feel that way, even though I have... politely and calmly told her how I feel about it a million times and threatened her life if she didn't start treating my truck with the respect I expect if she is going to use it.

*Why does she have to drive like an asshat in my car when she has her own crappy, beat up car to drive like that in? I saw her rip out of the driveway one day and nearly busted a vein in my head. She drives like she has a spiked ball up her ass and can't take it out until she gets to where she is going. I don't care if she wants to drive her car that way, but NOT MY CAR! Her car is beat up and crappy because of the way she drives and I am careful with my truck. I like having my car not look like a sh*t mobile but she is having a hard time grasping that others could feel that way when there is road to be torn up.

*How many pets does one person need? I am so sick of animals I could puke all over her. I love animals, but that doesn't mean I need to adopt a million to prove it. Everywhere I go I'm tripping over cats and the dog she brought in, even though I didn't want another dog and was going to take a break from dogs after mine has passed. I clean the cat boxes because if I left it up to others, they would never get done and the smell would take over the house -- unacceptable! She has 2 cats (was 3 but we gave one to my older sister), 2 gerbils that run on their squeaky wheel all night, a tree frog that does nothing but cling to the side of it's cage but needs crickets that have their own cage and sometimes escape, and she brought in another dog. We are so overrun with pets it makes me feel claustrophobic and like the house will never be clean again.

*Be careful what you lend her, it may not survive. She has a bad habit of letting her CDs run wild in her car, getting scratched and ruined on a regular basis. So far she has had to replace my Simon and Garfunkel CD, an Eminem CD, and my Veggie Tales CD (I listen to a little of everything). She lost my Winnie the Pooh tape that I like to watch when I'm too stressed or worried to sleep -- it always lulls me to sleep. She lost the start up disk for the Internet that I need to get my desk top hooked up to the Internet, so we are stuck with only laptops, hence why I haven't changed any pictures for a long time: they are all on my desk top. And, to top it all off, she gets mad when you mention that she did it! Others may not want to argue with her, but I have no such reservations and will not hesitate to let her know that it is all her fault and no, she can not borrow _____! She still doesn't understand why I don't want her touching any of my stuff because "if something happens to it she will replace it." Which leads me into the next topic.

*She can't have a dollar to her name without having to run out and spend it. So it takes a long time for her to replace something, and I am not a patient person.

There are more topics in the works, these are just the most pertinent ones right now. Eventually I'd like to discuss her lack of organization, how she just puts stuff anywhere and wonders why she can't find anything; her hairballs that are stacking up on all her stuff in the shower; her room that hasn't been cleaned since she moved into it, et cetera et cetera. And, of course, I am open to any other topics that I may have missed. I will be sending out applications soon...


Denver Refashionista said...

Roommates, even the family kind can be an enormous pain...


Sounds like a club I might enjoy! Like I always say, "If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me". (Although I think that is a direct quote from Olympia Dukakas(sp) in Steel Magnolias)

Linda D. in Seattle

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