Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Love Me Don't Judge Me

I met up with my soon-to-be-ex husband last night to switch cars (YEA! I have my darling truck back and he got his "road car" back. A car that has over 300,000 miles on it and hardly a scrap of paint left on it) and have one last roll in the hay. I say "one last" because he informed me that he is going to put himself back on the market this new year. That irritated me a little too much. I felt he was dying to replace me sooner than I thought he would. A thought that rankled me and really stuck in my craw. Is it too much to ask for an ex to pine away, tear his clothes, wear sack cloth and ashes and bemoan the fact that you are gone and nobody could ever take your place? Or even to curl up and die, making my life easier and less impoverished because then I get all the money (and he is a saver with several different bank accounts and plenty of assets)? I don't think that is too much to ask. I ripped into him about racing out to get his d*ck wet and my still not wanting to put myself on the market again -- I'm just not ready yet and I have serious doubts about who would want to date a woman with my problems and who needs to be home by 9 pm because that is her bedtime. He, trying to flatter me, told me that he didn't think I would have any problem finding dates. And while I am flattered that he thinks boys will be at my door with a battling ram to get to me when they know I am ready to date again, I still have my doubts. I pulled out every insulting name I could think of: ass hat, ass clown, ass master, ass wipe, butt plug et cetera, and he wanted to know why everything had to do with the ass. For most men, who, in my experience (and maybe I just have been unlucky), tend to be a little homophobic, saying they are obsessed with asses and all things that have to do with it is the ultimate insult. Telling him to go suck his mom's d*ck just doesn't have the effect on him that I want. But insinuating that he enjoys all things ass will get a response for him. I told him he needs to run backwards through a corn field naked because I think I hate him and he obviously needs some butt hole pleasures. He sadly, flatly, "that would hurt," and gave me the Christmas gifts he got for Princess and me, which were pretty funny. Back in the good days of our marriage, he would bring me something from every place he went: a cool rock, a cactus from AZ, even a palm tree from CA. This time he got 2 lumps of coal from WY and wrapped them up. I got a good laugh out of that, and he told me that he had been trying to find a certain game for the Wii for us but they were all sold out in the town he lives in, so he gave me the money to buy it here, or a good game that we wanted. I have to give the man this: he never was one to give cheap gifts, hence why I have a lot of expensive jewelry that I don't wear. I may wear some of it again some day, but not just yet. My little sister likes to wear some of it because it doesn't have the same meaning for her and it makes her feel fancy. She had the misfortune to marry a man that didn't have any money and any that he did get, he spent as fast as it hit his wallet. Now she has a man that doesn't get the hint that she wouldn't mind some nice jewelry. It took him 2 years before she even got a single rose. My ex would always buy flowers for Princess and I, a thing I always liked about him, he would get red roses for me and purple roses for her because that is her favorite color. But I am not feeling too kind towards him right now, no matter how nice his gifts were. I told him I hope he gets herpes all over his mouth -- and other places -- for being so ready to jump back into the dating scene again. It is going to take me a little while to become reconciled to the idea of him chomping the bit to replace me, the big ass hat!

5 comments:

Jen said...

I can't pass judgment on anyone (although I do think mean thoughts about a lot of folks-LOL!) But I would hate to think of others judging me and my past train wrecks.

I used the term "ass cap" the other day. I figured you would approve of the variation..

LISA EMRICH said...

I suppose that I have passed judgment on some individuals in the past. But this instance, dear lady, is not one of them.

As far as insulting ass references for a man, I prefer butt plug. Not that I would ever say that out loud to any body, but it works mentally for me.

Heather said...

I alway look forward to reading your blog. You crack me up! I love your sense of humor.

Denver Refashionista said...

Love ya and I'm not judging. It takes time to get over these things. Sometimes it's hard to remember all the bad stuff your ex did when they are being nice. You can and will do better.

BRAINCHEESE said...

Judgment from me is like trying to dot my sign of the cross in Holy Water when entering a Catholic Church...both just end up searing my forehead! Ouch!

Sorry, still can't move away from "ass hat" over here...

Linda D. in Seattle