Chasms

I don't know about any of you, but sometimes my days gape open in front of me with too much time and not enough of anything interesting to do. Most of you probably don't have this problem because you have lives and jobs and hobbies. I have hobbies, but sometimes there is so much time I can't get myself to sit down and work on any of them. The sheer amount of time in front of me zaps any creativeness I may have and makes me dull and void of any creative ideas. I get out of bed and survey the chasm of time in front of me, rolling out with no end in sight, and I wonder if this life will ever have anything interesting in it again. I clean, I run errands, I cook and keep Princess going in the right direction, then I go to bed and think about the lack of stimuli in my life. When the most interesting thing in my life is watching my hamster, Gorgeous George, make a new nest after I've cleaned his cage and stuff his gorgeous cheeks full of food to stockpile in the corners of his new nest, I can't help but feel I need something, anything, of interest to happen to distinguish this boring day from the one before and the one coming up. I think my inability to get more than 6 hours of sleep, when I've never had this problem before, is due to an overwhelming boredom with this life and my pathetic jogging along in the same old ruts all the time.

Yesterday the highlight of my day was a fruit fly flying up my nose. I snorted so hard, to get him out, I popped my eardrum and it still hurts. Why we still have these damn fruit flies is an annoying mystery. I make sure no food is ever left out, I keep all cages and cat boxes clean, and I always rinse the sink very well if food is ever put down the garbage disposal. Yet these little boogers won't die. Every morning I pick out at least 2 from my coffee before I can drink it. Everyone else is horrified that I would still drink the coffee after that, but I only make the amount that I will drink and it is hot enough to kill any germs, besides, I don't really care. Goodness knows we eat/drink a lot of grosser things without knowing it, so what is a little fruit fly going to do to me? But I still don't want them taking up lodgings in my nostrils. I have to draw the line somewhere.

When everyone else is gone and I am left in a house that I can't possibly clean one more time, it being clean (for the most part) already, and I have no where to go and nothing to do, I start to feel like the last kernel in the canister, rattling around by myself. I don't have any money to do anything, still fighting the ^&@ SSA, and even if I had money, I don't need anything more. Princess doesn't need anything else, she has too many clothes as it is from all my shopping to try and fill the endless chasm of time. I can't possibly buy one more article of clothing when I have too many clothes with tags on them still, just sitting there waiting to be worn. I tear up the library and read so much I have to keep changing topics to read about. The list of things I read about is embarrassing and very diverse. I will read anything when I am out of books or have exhausted a subject (either from my own saturation with it or the library's not having any more books on that subject). I have a head full of useless information that helps me not one whit. The ladies at the library like to ask me what got me started on a new subject, and I get embarrassed trying to explain why I suddenly took an interest in the burial customs of the plains Indians, which is really interesting stuff, by the way.

All in all, I have something most people claim to want: too much time on my hands, which makes me think of that Rolling Stones song, "tiiiiiiiime is on my hands, yes it is!" Some time is good, too much time is a cancerous poison that destroys all interest in my usual diversions. Is it wrong to want something interesting to happen? Something different and unexpected to break up the monotony of my days? If that is wrong I have no desire to be right.