Sometimes I Wish It Was A Toomah

I have a lot of thoughts about MS that I am not willing to share with anyone except others with it. My family does not understand why I attempted suicide almost 2 years ago. They don't understand that I don't like myself--or more accurately myself with this disease. They cannot understand why I don't like walking in front of a lot of people or why I don't care to always do my makeup and hair. I don't like to do my makeup and hair too often because I liken it to putting makeup on a pig. I may look better but I feel like it does not go with what this disease has made me--a gimp. Would you put expensive upholstery on a beat up old car? That is how I feel about trying to look good. I get so tired of people telling me that it is not a death sentence, to which I always respond that it is a life sentence with no parole. Sometimes I wish it had been a tumor and it was a life or death thing. I hate this slow chipping away at me. I wish it were static, then I could mourn my loss and deal with something that is. But to have it always changing--and for the worse--makes it so hard to come to terms with. All the cliches in the world will not cheer me up or change my mind, and while I appreciate others trying to help me feel better about myself I wish I could get it through their heads that it is not about how others see me but how I see myself. Not only has this disease affected me physically, but it has wreaked havoc on my self-esteem. I have always been a kept-to-myself person but now it is even worse. I am a tough nut to crack and I don't think it is worth the effort to try and crack me. Whew! I just had to get this off my chest and say it only to those that I think can understand me.