Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Sometimes I Wish It Was A Toomah

I have a lot of thoughts about MS that I am not willing to share with anyone except others with it. My family does not understand why I attempted suicide almost 2 years ago. They don't understand that I don't like myself--or more accurately myself with this disease. They cannot understand why I don't like walking in front of a lot of people or why I don't care to always do my makeup and hair. I don't like to do my makeup and hair too often because I liken it to putting makeup on a pig. I may look better but I feel like it does not go with what this disease has made me--a gimp. Would you put expensive upholstery on a beat up old car? That is how I feel about trying to look good. I get so tired of people telling me that it is not a death sentence, to which I always respond that it is a life sentence with no parole. Sometimes I wish it had been a tumor and it was a life or death thing. I hate this slow chipping away at me. I wish it were static, then I could mourn my loss and deal with something that is. But to have it always changing--and for the worse--makes it so hard to come to terms with. All the cliches in the world will not cheer me up or change my mind, and while I appreciate others trying to help me feel better about myself I wish I could get it through their heads that it is not about how others see me but how I see myself. Not only has this disease affected me physically, but it has wreaked havoc on my self-esteem. I have always been a kept-to-myself person but now it is even worse. I am a tough nut to crack and I don't think it is worth the effort to try and crack me. Whew! I just had to get this off my chest and say it only to those that I think can understand me.

6 comments:

thepowerguides said...

Try to check out some of the other MS sufferers Blogs , Braincheese is a great place to start and a A Short in the Cord would be good places to start . My wife has been diagnosed with MS and she is finding it hard , the only advice I can give is chat to some of the other MS sufferers through their blogs and You should try to let your family in they can provide great support

steve

BRAINCHEESE said...

Well, hell! Ain't that a kick in the shorts...you're from Nebraska AND you have MS. That really DOES suck! I know, because I'm originally from the Cornhusker state and have MS, too...escaped to Seattle, WA, 11 years ago so I could GET MS as I don't think I had it when I was running through the cornfields on the Plains. LOL Everywhere I turn out here, SOMEONE has MS...sigh.

Steve (thepowerguides) spotted me a comment on my blog, suggesting I come over here to YOURS and offer some support...hmmmm...I still have some bras with underwire and elastic in them, but beyond that, I really don't have much to offer that YOU don't already know! You write about the darkness of MS so very well...I hope you will keep writing about it, even if it is not for the weak at heart.

I'm going to add your blog to my growing list of MS blog links if you don't mind? Have to cruise out to go to work right now, but will get it added this week (probably even if you DO mind! LOL)

Linda D. in Seattle
BrainCheeseMS@aol.com

harkoo said...

Learned of you today on Braincheese and have read your blog. Yep. Been there, know just how you are feeling. I have had MS for 20 years and am still surviving..why don't you read some of the blogs listed on Braincheese to see you aren't alone--that might help you.

Michelle said...

Yep, I hear ya! Hang in there. Hard enough to get anyone to understand even an inkling of what it is to live with MS, especially when we are constantly faced with changing invisible symptoms and the daily losses. Here's a poem I posted on Linda's blog - Braincheese. You are not alone.

Less

each struggle leaves me breathless
tired and disoriented
my mind is troubled by the changes
and the silent attacks on my body
every minute of every day

I strive to overcome, to continue
and do something, be something good
but everyday I am less
I was never enough
now, I'm becoming less and less
how do you become less
I'm not sure but I feel it happening

I feel the losses
the loneliness, the hopelessness
as I cut off from everything
close down from everything
as I become nothing

I visit this place often and somehow manage to pull myself up.
Stay inspired!
Michelle
Expand your mind ~ visit Brain Angles

Michelle said...

Yep, I hear ya! Hang in there. Hard enough to get anyone to understand even an inkling of what it is to live with MS, especially when we are constantly faced with changing invisible symptoms and the daily losses. Here's a poem I posted on Linda's blog - Braincheese. You are not alone.

Less

each struggle leaves me breathless
tired and disoriented
my mind is troubled by the changes
and the silent attacks on my body
every minute of every day

I strive to overcome, to continue
and do something, be something good
but everyday I am less
I was never enough
now, I'm becoming less and less
how do you become less
I'm not sure but I feel it happening

I feel the losses
the loneliness, the hopelessness
as I cut off from everything
close down from everything
as I become nothing

I visit this place often and somehow manage to pull myself up.
Stay inspired!
Michelle
Expand your mind ~ visit Brain Angles

LISA EMRICH said...

I agree that Linda over at Braincheese has some great resources. And she's hilarious to boot.

I've been reading you (through your feed) but am not sure if I've commented here before. I've got a growing list of MS Bloggers over at my place Brass and Ivory. I was inspired by Linda's list to continue the collection.

I'd be pleased if you stopped by.

Lisa