Dear wonlife,

Your comment has piqued my interest. Would you be so fabulously kind as to tell me more about the Ritalin? Does it rev you up? Does it work well throughout the day? I have a problem with ADD so I am wondering if it helps give you energy and keep attention on things too. Also I am curious about taking Ambien to sleep at night. I have never had a problem sleeping at night, sadly, and am curious why you need help getting to sleep. Is it due to muscle spasms? Or just insomnia? Please tell me more. Thank you, love Blindbeard.

Darn This Fatigue!

I have to say, without a doubt in my mind, that this fatigue is the worst part of MS for me. I barely get rested up from Thanksgiving and Christmas is here. I can take a lot of the other problems that come in this lovely Multiple Sclerosis gag-gift box, but the fatigue irritates me more than all of them combined. I am as tired as someone 3 times my age and I get so sick of having to rest all the time. I miss the old days of being able to go all day and read half the night. Now I am in bed by 9 and lucky to get a half hour of reading in. We have one kid now (temporarily until her parents get in a better place) and sometimes I feel guilty for not having more energy for her. But then she buries me under a mountain of words and I realize that all she really wants is to flap her jaws and have somebody listen--that and play a few board games with her. I can take my messed up vision and itchy numb spots, but I really really wish I wasn't so tired. I take Amantadine, and that helps. I tried Provigil and HATED it. I felt like I should have snorted it or smoked it, it made me clench my jaw and want to chain smoke--not exactly the "awake" I am looking for. But the best thing yet has been taking the recommended rests, speaking of which, I have a hot date with my couch. Merry Holidays, my fellow afflicted inhabitants of this planet. Here's hoping that next year is (at least) not as bad as any past year has been, and really what more can you ask for?

Suicide: The Ultimate Catch 22?

Sorry for my prolonged silence. I have been snowed in with a kid and that fries my brain to the point that I cannot string together a coherent sentence. That and I have been feeling a little blue the last few days. No real reason for it, except maybe the holidays--I hate them. The stress, fuss and bother. Trying to make them good for everyone and always feeling like you came up short; you know, the usual. It does not surprise me that this time of the year has the highest suicide rates, not because I am going to off myself, but because of the cheer and how it makes you feel if you are not one of the cheerful. My little sister is locked in a bitter custody battle with her not-quite-ex-husband right now and she was feeling so hopeless she was thinking some crazy thoughts. I had to remind her that if she acted on any of them, who would poop on her ex-hubby's grave? (Under normal circumstances I would not condone pooping on anyone's grave, but he may very well deserve it.) If you are anything like me, and hopefully you are not, you don't want to miss what is coming next. Sure, I get down and think about ending it all, but I need to know what is going to happen next. My life used to be an X-rated soap opera (now with a kid it has been knocked down to R-rated) and sometimes I love the surprise of what is coming next. I am dying, no pun intended, to see how things are going to work out and wondering how it is going to play out. And that may be the only thing that keeps me here. Because, yes, MS sucks eggs, but I gotta know what is going to happen next. It is an endless source of wondering and speculation, especially when it is something you never would have guessed. Sometimes life is too fun to turn off the soap opera.

Get Out The Supplements

I have a very bad habit of assuming everything that goes wrong with me is due to my MS, so my terrible RLS (Restless Legs Syndrome) was accepted as normal. It wasn't until talking to my neurologist and her suggesting we test my iron levels that I even suspected my "cricket legs" (as I call them--I have to rub and rub my legs on the sheets in bed to get a few minutes respite until the Requip kicks in) was being made worse by something other than my MS. Who knew that a person with MS could have a veritable plethora of other things wrong besides their MS?! My levels of iron came back very low (I don't eat meat, which can't help) and now I am taking iron and feeling much better. My RLS is still here but not as bad and it has helped with my fatigue. But all that is nothing compared to the shock of realizing I can't blame MS for everything. Darn, I was ready to blame all sorts of stuff on it, too, like lung cancer (because I have MS, I can't possibly get lung cancer from smoking! Pass the unfiltered ones, please), my speeding (my legs are numb, duh!), my fat arse (I'm too tired), the list goes on and on...

Nobody Touch Me--I'm Diseased!

One thing I always want to know about people with MS is how they view themselves now as opposed to before being diagnosed. My diagnosis came as a total shock and my disease has been so aggressive I felt like I didn't have a chance to really understand what it all meant before they started pumping me full of steroids, doing spinal taps, shoving me into skinny tubes that sound like a plane getting ready to take off, you know, the usual routine after being told you suck so bad your own body wants to destroy you. The first year and a half was HELL. I am now nearing my 3rd anniversary of being diagnosed and am still working on my self image. What I would like to know from you, gentle reader, is how you put yourself back together again? Because, like Humpty, I can't seem to get it back together again and all the king's men probably would not hurt, so send them on over. I am still having a very hard time letting anyone get close to me--not just physically, you naughty king's man! So for anyone who wants to share I would love to hear your story...

Let MS Get UP YOURS!

I may be the only person who loved those 7up commercials and I am OK with that. I swear I am going to make me a shirt that says that and wear it to the next MS function I go to, which won't be anytime soon. I can handle people with MS, I can handle a lot of different takes on it, but I cannot stomach the people who act like MS is a gift bestowed on them by the gods after wandering in the desert for 40 days and nights. Whenever I hear somebody blathering on about what a blessing it is I want to start popping some caps, or splitting some wigs, or even shizzling some nizzles--and I don't even know what any of that means, but if it means me with a cast iron skillet in hand about to go on a rampage then I agree with what I just said. You don't hear people with Ulcerative Colitis rhapsodizing about the lessons that it has taught them, or even people with such things as Muscular Dystrophy, Cerebral Palsy, or a club foot. So why do some MSers feel so gifted? I think it is a ruse to make the best out of a bad thing, eternal optimism, my-vision-is-only-half-bad kind of thing. Not me. I am not feeling the "gift" of MS. Not saying there is no silver lining to the cloud, I just want to be realistic about it. I don't see the gift in peeing my pants at a stop light (I should have just run it), or the constant pain in my face (I know, I know, but my face does hurt), or even having horrible RLS every night. Call me crazy, you won't be the first, but I have a hard time in seeing the joy there. But to show that I am a good sport I will list a few positives: the street value of my medicine cabinet is mind boggling; I don't work; I can't see well enough to know if others are staring at me so it does not bother me; I never have to help anybody move or do any physical labor for them; I get to ride through the zoo, others have to push (we have a very hilly zoo); I enjoy the idea of wearing a shirt that says "Let MS Get UP YOURS!" and that says it all.

Blindbeard's Secret Formula To Being Treated Like A V.I.P.

Tired of being treated like a contagious person? Being avoided and having people fake blindness when you are near? I have the secret to change all that. My patent-pending formula can change how people treat you, make you feel as if the red carpet was rolled out just for you, and best of all, it costs nothing--well, maybe a little of your pride. But I find life is easier if you ditch that pride early on. It is only excess baggage that will make more problems than it could ever fix. So make sure you are sitting down because here is my secret way to be treated like royalty:

When you are having a "bad day," you know, the kind where walking is more difficult and maybe your vision is hazy, haul yourself to your nearest national chain store. My personal favorite is Wal-Mart, it has never failed me yet. When I approach the store staggering and blind, people race to open the automatic doors for me. I don't need to fight to get a cart out, someone does it for me and hands it right over. Everyone is sure to make the gimp feel welcome, all the employees go out of their way to greet me and see if there is anything they can do for me. If I knock over a display I only need to start trying to lower myself to the floor and POOF! there are people swarming to do it for me. And checkout is even easier. I always use self because I like to use my pennies, but nobody wants to be rude to someone with such an obvious disability. Heck, most of the time someone is right there to scan all my items for me. Yes, I tell you, it sure does make one feel like a celebrity to have people so solicitous to help one out. So the next time you are feeling unimportant and gimpy, go try my method out and tell me if it doesn't make you feel like they rolled out the red carpet and genuflect just for you. (All this talking about it makes me want to go visit my subjects...)