Saturday, March 1, 2008

Donkey Violating, Manure Eating, Jackaninny Jackpipe

*Author's Note: I forgot to mention that my husband and I have decided to part ways. I posted this on my other blog-- for my family and friends--who all know we are splitting up and I wanted to explain why and let people know the reasons behind it.

I stole that title from my little sister. After she and her ex-husband spilt up and started a long and bitter divorce/custody battle she could not talk about her ex without starting off with, "that donkey raping, shit eating, mossy toothed, rotten breathed corn hole ex of mine." And now I can totally understand why she would say such a thing. Although my husband and I are not fighting, I am still angry and disappointed about this whole situation. And if I hear, "don't you remember your vows?" one more time I really am going to take an axe and give my mother 40 whacks. Nobody stands up there on their wedding day thinking about a divorce or how it is going to end. NOBODY! And hearing that stupid phrase come out of certain womens' mouths, who put up with too much crap, pushes me over the edge. My mother-in-law has been married over 40 years to a drunk that regularly tears up the house and gets rough with her in drunken rages. And sadly, my husband is like his father. When he is not drinking he can be so kind and patient. But one beer too many and there is going to be problems. About a year and a half ago my husband drank way too much and started throwing stuff around the house, picked a fight with me by throwing a half full beer can at me, which sent me over the edge. I picked it up and threw it right back at him, starting a huge row that ended with him pushing me back into the dining room table making me fall over and pushing the zipper of my hoodie into my neck making a big, red welt. This was on the same day that I fell outside the library and had to have Princess help me up. I made him leave and called the police, filed a report and let him deal with the consequences of his actions. My mother-in-law was upset that I called the cops--she said, "its not like he has done this 5 or 10 times before. If I called the cops every time J. did that, I wouldn't have him anymore." I still don't see any logic in her statement. And all it did was make me madder and I told her exactly what I thought of all that. I truly believe that people can make mistakes and be forgiven. I always tell Princess that when we make a mistake what can we do about it? Make it right and make sure you never do it again. So I let my husband come back, but he had to clean up the house, apologize to all that were involved and NEVER do it again. I have to say it has not happened again, but sometimes I still see that grain of anger in his eyes that if I fanned the flame even a tiny bit could erupt into something very ugly. I am not about to tell anyone what to do in their lives, I only know what I can do with mine, and I do not want to spend my life walking on eggshells. Especially with this disease. What would happen if I was less able to defend myself and this happened again? Could I live with myself knowing I stayed around for round 2 when he showed his true colors? I am afraid it would destroy my self-respect and self-esteem--neither of which I am willing to sacrifice. Worse than all this is the fact that my trust in him was destroyed. We tried to patch things up and go on. I wanted to trust him again, but I can't. Not when I don't trust his temper. And when the trust is gone what are you left with? Doubts and insecurity in your relationship, which is impossible to build a healthy relationship on. So the foundation of our relationship is fractured beyond repair and I know I could never trust him wholeheartedly the way you should be able to trust your spouse, especially with the care of your heart and soul. Being what I am, I took my heart back and plan on keeping it to myself. My trust in men is at an all time low. What started out as a gentle kind man has turned into something the exact opposite. I just want to wrap this up with my self-respect intact.

I hee-ed and haw-ed about whether to share all this, but decided that it is nothing to be ashamed of and I don't want anyone in a similar situation to try and hide it or be ashamed of it. The shame is on those that do these things. Not on the ones who take the brunt of it. I am not going to sweep this under the rug or pretend that it never happened and I hope it gives courage to others to do what is right for them, whatever that may be.


Shauna said...

So what's next?

Shauna said...

Thanks for the note at the top...was a little concerned.


I applaud you and your courage to make what changes you see fit and healthy for your life...and I support whatever you decide to do, O' kindred Nebraska soul...

Linda D. in Seattle