Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Party In My Pants

And nobody is coming. There have been so many parties at my house, one would think we are a bunch of wild & crazy gals. Alas, we are not. We can't even pretend to be. But sometimes we like to think we are rockin' the place.

Princess's Party

Princess has been grounded for the last umpteen years for yelling at her mom to "SHUT UP" when her mother told her to turn off the wii and get ready for bed. That went over like the proverbial lead balloon. I was reading in bed and heard it all. I was surprised that Sugarbowl did not react worse than she did. I was afraid things were going to get so ugly I would have to pry my tired arse out of bed, don my striped referee shirt, grab my whistle that I use to get the dogs' attention and whip their butts back into shape. Sugarbowl did not go off on a yelling spree, but grounded her for a long time. The next morning she gave Princess the option to apologize and have her sentence reduced, but Princess is one stubborn mule and wouldn't back down. She told her mother that she could have said more! (Sound of all those lead balloons crashing to earth.) Now Princess is on a party of "I'm sorry now, so let's all be friends and unground me" and nobody is buying it. She's trying to play the martyr and show how innocent and sweet she is but the last 11 years are against her. So until her sentence is over -- Christmas day -- she will be partying by herself.

Sugarbowl's Party

So Sugarbowl boo hoo-ed and got herself a dog. He is a Chihuahua and mini pin mix and one cute little booger. He is also very resistant to house training. We toss his butt outside but he couldn't possibly pinch his stinkies out there. He can hold it until he gets back inside, thanks. The other day Sugarbowl had a date, which is a great story in itself, and came home late. Her room smelled like a fresh pile of poo, but she thought the cat boxes got too close to the furnace and it was pumping all that stinky air into her room, so she just went to sleep. When I had to poke my head into her room the next morning, I noticed the horrible smell, but thought the same thing about the cat boxes and maybe because she closes her door at night the stench was trapped in there. It was trapped all right, because Rupert (her dog) had a diarrhea party in there and squirted crap all over a bunch of her clothes. Sugarbowl says she was the only one who showed up for the party because Rupert sleeps in my bed and he can only come in her room to crap. She wants him to stay with her but she says -- to my great amusement -- that he strains his main butt hole vein to get away from her and get to me and will only use her room for a bathroom. She was so mad about all her clothes that were covered in crap, and her breathing in diarrhea air all night, that she gave me custody of Rupert for the last 2 days. I don't want custody of him. I already have, against my will, 2 dogs and DO NOT want a third dog. I actually only have one official dog, my yellow lab, the corgi is Princess's but for some reason that dog attached himself to me and only has 2 thoughts in his head, "Protect Blindbeard, and DESTROY!" Now Rupert has decided that he likes me best and with him and Widget in my bed, there is little room for me, but we sure do keep warm. Widget gets pretty pissy about Rupert in my bed and I have to break up their fights, which they usually like to have in my face, too often. It's a good thing I like dogs so much or they would all be sleeping on the floor. Damn my soft loving nature!

Lastly, I will leave you with this 12 Days of Christmas that Princess penned about all our pets. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have. (I'm going to condense it with comments.)

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me,
A Pembroke Welsh corgi.
2 golden labs,
3 crapping Chihuahuas
4 sneezing Stubbys (a stray cat that adopted me and has a chronic sinus infection)
5 cross eyed kitties (her Siamese cat that is cross eyed but the best hunter we have)
6 not-so-Angels (a cat that is a pain in the butt)
7 dirty Kiras (Sugarbowl's cat that doesn't "wipe" after using the cat box)
8 little Nellies (an outdoor cat of unknown origins)
9 Butterpads (her gerbil)
10 squeaking Squeakers (her other gerbil)
11 stinky dog farts
12 diarrhea parties.