Saturday, January 15, 2011

APB

We got an APB out on one Blindbeard. That's one Blindbeard. She was last seen traipsing through Arizona, New Mexico, and Colorado in an embarrassing pair of spotted pajama pants, looking like the frumpy tourist she is.
We have reason to believe that she changed her clothes in Colorado, where she stopped for the night, and is now wearing something more socially acceptable, but don't count on it. If you see her, contact her family immediately so they can hide from her. She is not considered dangerous, just crazy -- and hopelessly uncool -- so they would rather not be seen with her as she will only ruin what fragile hopes they have of not being uncool by association.

She was traveling in her sister's car, which is a traveling trash heap, so keep your eyes out for a mobile dump. You will hear her bitching about the condition of the car and her sister telling her to shut her dirty pie hole about it. This conversation will be heard for miles around and will give a good idea of the general vicinity of her whereabouts.

She usually wears a stocking cap in winter, but if she does not have a hat on, you will know her by her mane of woolly hair that resembles a camel's butt. She has a distinctive walk, dragging her right leg along, and crabbing about how everyone walks too fast and she can't drag her leg that fast, so slow down, bitches. She tends to need to urinate more than the rest of her party, and was spotted using the men's room 3 times during this trip because women are so damn slow in the bathroom, and she would rather have her family embarrassed when she comes out of the men's room than wet her pants.

There is no reward for finding her, but her family will be eternally grateful to whoever finds her because they wouldn't know what to do with themselves without her to bumble around and embarrass them, making them look better -- if they don't decide to go into hiding. Please keep your eyes peeled and avoid her at all costs, or she may try to adopt you and ruin all your hopes of being cool.

1 comment:

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