Thursday, February 18, 2010

That Damned Note

Yesterday we were talking about The Day Blindbeard Went Crazy, ie when I tried to kill myself. We were talking about the note I left, which was the second biggest mistake I made that day. They took the note and everyone wanted to talk about it. The cop who took me to the emergency room, the nurses and doctors in the psych ward, the mental health review board that I had to talk to to get out of the loony bin, I swear they printed it in the paper with my address and phone number for anyone else who wanted to discuss it with me. I left the note for my husband, not the rest of the world, but no one cared about that. Leaving that note pushed my "suicidal gesture" into an intent and that is what damned me to 5 days in the loony bin because it meant that I had every intent of finishing what I had started. I pulled out the note and reread it to Sugarbowl yesterday, and she said that if I never wanted to pull it out and read it to her again, she would be just fine with that, because the note is sad and it brings back the memories of that day. I'm going to share the note with you -- for the few who have not had a chance to discuss it with me -- because even though it has been almost 4 years since that day, I can still relate to a lot of the stuff I wrote in it, and maybe you can too.

I bought you the soups that you like, they are in the cupboard where we keep the soups and stuff. I don't know why you won't let me go, I don't understand what you are holding on to. There is NOTHING here! I am nothing, I have nothing, my future is nothing, my past is nothing, I have nothing to do, no point to still being alive. The only way I know of to make you hate me enough to let me go is to do something stupid so you will hate me. I know you hate what MS has made me. I know you hate that I don't work and do not keep the house perfect. I know you hate that all I can do is spend and run up bills. I know you hate my tiredness, that I go to bed early and that I do nothing but puzzles. I know that your hate is going to grow until we only make each other miserable. I know that you have that seed of hate for me deep in you, ever since I was diagnosed and you saw what the effects of my having a debilitating disease would do to me, that I could no longer be counted on to make a fortune, that I could no longer help out. All I can do is consume, consume food and products that are sold cheap at Walmart. All I can do is buy, spend, make more problems for you. I can't make you understand how much I hate myself for all this. How my nerves are rattled when I think of you coming home to me and seeing your hate for me grow. Seeing your anger when I am tired or when I am not walking perfectly in public, when it is obvious that I have something wrong with me and you have to be seen with me. You don't think I am bad enough for Novantrone, but you don't see how this MS is chipping away at me and slowly destroying me. You say you are willing to go through hell with me, but only if I am presentable to the public, you don't want them to see me as I am, gimping and lagging, not as fast as I used to be. You can't accept that I am not what I was, that I get tired, that I need rests... I know that you are hating me more as the days go by and nothing gets better, I want to be free of your hate. I want to be free from trying to live up to what you want me to be, I want to be free of the pressure of pretending to be what I am not. I don't want to push myself to be "perfect" for you, it wears me out and makes me worse. The stress is not your job and you being gone, the stress is you coming home and my having to be what I am not when you are here. I hate myself and want to free you from all responsibility for me... this is the only way I know how. You are now free from me and having to be chained to something that shames you. Go and find someone who is all the things you want, all the things I can't be. I have nothing to offer you. I have gave my all and am tired of pretending to be what I am not. I am freeing you and me by this....... [Blindbeard]


Cranky said...

Oh bearded one - this was a hard read. I am sorry to hear that much of these feelings are still present today. It was useful to me, as a caregiver, to use your words as a means to better understand how my behaviors, beliefs and attitudes play such a role in my wife's feelings about herself as a person with MS. As her world closed down, with loss of job, loss of mobility, etc., my role in her life grew larger and larger.

Jen said...

I hope that you eventually get through your anger and loathing, K, because it's such a waste of energy (and we have so little to spare.) My hope for you in 2010 is that you finally let yourself "off the hook."

A biggggggg smooch---


Have Myelin? said...

Blindbeard, I remember feeling bad about myself with my EX. I now have a boyfriend (this is not a reflection of your partner) and I no longer feel this way about myself.

Something changed and yes MS sucks everything out like a Dyson vacuum cleaner. I simply ride it out now I guess...

Hope you are feeling better now despite things.

Anonymous said...

I found this blog tonight, as I read through your letter to your husband, I feel like you wrote my feelings down for me.. This is what I feel every moment of everyday!!