Interview With Blindbeard

Middle of a cornfield, Nebraska (AP) Recently I was able to sit down with the reclusive Blindbeard and get her opinions on everything from MS to the meaning of life. She has been on the top 5 of people I wanted to interview so I was thrilled when she finally consented to talk to me. What follows is my enlightening sit-down with one of the most difficult to pin down and outspoken people with MS in this area.

Interviewer: Its great to finally get a chance to meet you!

Blindbeard: Well, Mr. Interviewer, its great to have a chance to get my say.

I: Actually, its Miss.

B: Really?! You might want to think of waxing your upper lip then.

I: Anyway, so tell me how you feel about having Multiple Sclerosis.

B: Having Multiple Sclerosis is akin to sucking on a bag of dead manure.

I: Wow! That bad?

B: Some days, worse than that. Imagine having all the things that used to be so easy become much more difficult, more of an ordeal. Now throw fatigue and pain into the mix.

I: Has nothing good come out of you having MS?

B: No, there is some good. I no longer have to worry about being more conservative for an employer. I could wear my mullet wig sideways and not care if prospective customers might see me. I can dress how I please and not worry about what people will think. It has freed me from ever having to worry about what others think of me.

I: Anything else good that has come from it?

B: Nope, that is about it. Now move over or eat a mint, you're killing me!

I: I see what you mean about not caring what others may think...

B: Yeah, its nice not caring.

I: So what is the worst part of having MS?

B: Gee, how much time do you have? Frankly, it is not knowing what the future holds. And by future I mean tomorrow and a year from tomorrow. You can't count on anything because it is never static. I may be good today but tomorrow I could censored my pants in public. You never know.

I: How has it affected your marriage?

B: There is a reason that divorce rates soar to over 75% when a partner is diagnosed with a chronic disease. My husband worships the dollar, so my not being able to help out in the money department has hurt us. That and he is not always understanding of my limits.

I: Sounds like he is not very supportive.

B: He is a pigheaded pain in my arse. He infuriates me and knows how to push my buttons, like telling me its not fatigue but laziness, or asking me if MS makes it impossible for me to keep the toilets as fresh as he wants them to be when it is somebody else's job.

I: So what did you think of the whole Tom Cruise videos that burned up the internet there for awhile? And his stand on psychotropic drugs?

B: Tom Cruise can suck his mother's big, floppy censored! He needs to eat a sack of censored! How dare he tell others what to do or that his religion knows what's best for me! I think censored Tom Cruise can censored and eat a fat censored! He can take his "vitamins and exercise" and stuff it censored!

I: He has a right to his opinion though.

B: I agree. Everyone has a right to their opinion. It is when they are actively trying to change legislation or have a "campaign" to stop people from exercising their own opinions and making their own decisions that I have a problem with their opinion.

This is Part I of my interview with Blindbeard. I spent several hours with this fascinating and veritable enigma of a woman--hours that changed my perspective on people with MS. I realize that you cannot put them all into one category. They are as varied as the ways MS can affect some one. Part II will be coming later, first I need to wax my upper lip.