Thursday, July 29, 2010


Yodeling is no longer just for climbing tall mountains or for proclaiming your love for Riccola; it has so many practical uses these days. It's a great way to let the other person sleeping in your bed know that you are awake and it also is a good barometer of the depths of your love. Even though I still like to use it in the old fashioned way when climbing the dog manure pile in my back yard to survey the surrounding countryside, I have found similar joy in using it in other areas of my life.

This morning I popped awake and was sure it had to be pushing 6 am I felt so awake. Oh no! It was barely past 3:30 am. I have an ironclad rule that I DO NOT get out of bed before 4 am, so I had to find a way to entertain myself for 30 more minutes. Princess, who can only find sleep in my bed when spending the night at my house, made the mistake of getting up to go to the bathroom. I laid cross ways across the bed, hung my head upside down over the edge -- do not do it if you have vertigo --and yodeled to announce to the whole house that I was now awake. Princess started laughing in the bathroom and I have a policy of trying to keep her laughing as much as possible because she is such a serious little tween. The dogs were so excited by my melodious yodeling that they were hogging the bed and Princess and I were forced to press together to stay on it. I started giving her hot potatoes (where you blow hot air into their shirts, a very gross feeling that I don't mind giving but hate receiving) and imitating the loud way the dogs yawn their rotten morning breath into our faces until it finally was 4 am. By that point Princess was laughing so hard and giving me hot potatoes, that I was glad to get out of bed so early in the morning. I don't think my morning breath smells like a unicorn's fart after feasting on roses, but I am now 100% positive that Princess's morning breath most certainly does not smell like said unicorn fart (more like a fish's arse hole turned inside out after feasting on his rotting brethren).

While swimming at the lake the other day, Sugarbowl was talking about a certain country singer that she has been in love with since she was 16. She summed up the depth of her feelings by saying that if he wanted to part her meat curtains and yodel into her vagina, she would do it without hesitation. I started laughing so hard I nearly drowned because their is no life guard on duty at the lake, and alcohol and open fires are prohibited. It's so ridiculous it's funny. And I can honestly say that I can't think of anyone I love that much that if they asked me to do that I would acquiesce. But I am still young enough to find a love that deep and true. Think of all the yodeling that would be going on in my bed then...

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

That's Right! I Said it!

I don't mean to be rude, but sometimes when others are being rude, the censor button on my mouth breaks down. I am so notorious for it that when my little sister had a similar situation happen recently, she called me right after it happened to let me know because she said it made her think of me. I hear, "You didn't really say that?!" so often it surprises me, because don't they know me by now? When have I ever not said it?

At my fattest -- 55lbs more than I am now -- my little sister and I went to Taco Bell for lunch. As soon as we park, a whippersnapper pulls in and parks so close to me that I have to squeeze myself out of my car door. I called out to him, "Damn, honey, I ain't as skinny as I used to be!" while trying to exit my car without denting his or my car. My little sister was laughing so hard that he turned red and decided he really didn't want Taco Bell after all and got back into his car and drove off.

When I had my first attack of optic neuritis I couldn't see or read anything unless it was inches from my face. I was shopping at Walmart and noticed the store manager mysteriously turned up everywhere that I was. I get done shopping and head to self checkout because I'm anal and like to organize my stuff by what goes where at my house. I don't even get a chance to scan one thing before a lady comes up and starts grabbing all my stuff to ring it up. I tell her I can do it myself and she says, "Oh, I don't mind!" I asked her if she was doing it because the store manager was following me all over the store and they wanted to make sure I paid for everything. She just claimed to be "one of the nice ones." But she sure made herself scarce after I said that. I'm a lot of things, but I'm not a thief, and following me is just giving the thieves more privacy to rip you off.

Another time shopping at Walmart -- maybe I need to start shopping elsewhere -- and a guy starts grabbing up my crap to ring it up for me. I asked him if he was bored. He said no. Then he grabbed a food item before all my non food items were rang up, which is unacceptable, so I stopped him and told him I don't ring up food items before all my non food items are rang up. He acted like I had deeply insulted him (I hope I did!) and sulked off to ring up somebody else.

Renewing my license plates, the lady behind the counter is being a total bitch about everything. It's not like I had a million questions or wanted to quibble over the cost, but she was ruder than hell! I get my new tags and as I'm leaving I tell her, "Thanks for your help and thanks for being such a bitch about it!" I noticed that the people working around her were smiling and she had a shocked, open mouthed stare, like she could not believe somebody would dast say such a thing to her. Sadly for her, I dast.

My little sister had to kill some time before work recently, so she went into an antique store to check out their wares. The lady behind the counter followed her all over the store. At one point my little sister turned around from the shelf she was looking at and bumped into her! So Sugarbowl asked her if she owned the store. The lady said she just worked there. Sugarbowl asked her a few more questions and said, "I just figured we should get to know each other better since we are shopping together." She also told the lady that she had no intentions of stealing anything so she could go back to whatever she was doing before Sugarbowl came into the store. She said another shopper started laughing and the lady huffed off. She was so proud of herself for actually saying something to someone, that she called me as soon as it happened because she "pulled a Blindbeard."

I'm not advocating rudeness, but almost tripping over the worker in the store because they are that close to you? They need to be called on it. I would have said something.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Just Not Feeling It

And what is that "it," you ask? Well, let me shed some light on "it". I am just not feeling a blog post that is one subject of any interest to anyone, even myself. All I have is a bunch of little nothings that have nothing to do with anything, of interest or otherwise. I am going to post those nothings so maybe, just maybe, I can clear up the air and move on to something interesting. (No need to point out that I rarely have anything interesting to say, but thanks anyway, Alfred Vaginastein.)

*At the library yesterday, I was reminded of how many people do not know to BE QUIET there. I have always made the kids that accompany me be quiet, but too many adults didn't get that memo. There was a woman loudly talking about people who have abortions. I'm not going to give my opinion on the whole abortion issue, but I am going to say that no matter what my opinion is, I wouldn't yell it out in the library, a place where most of us are taught to be quiet out of respect for others trying to read. I am also going to say that others' opinions are not likely to be changed by you yelling about it in a place where others would appreciate you shutting your dirty pie hole.

*Why do people feel the need to consummate their love at the lake? Do they not have a bed at home? Or even a back seat in their car? Heck, they can use my back seat if they are that friggin' horny that they cannot wait until they get out of public. It's gross and ridiculous. Maybe it is a rite of passage that I never felt the need to do? I must have missed that memo. I don't feel like I have missed out on anything by not humping someone in a lake while there are people -- and KIDS -- all around me. How romantical can it to be to bump uglies while keeping an eye out for dead fish? I'm so tired of seeing people humping that I no longer give them a wide berth. I will swim near them if they are in an area that I usually like to swim in. I have found that it is a great way to make them move along and ruin the obviously overwhelmingly romantical mood that attacked them against their will.

*This morning, while having my smoke and watching the dogs pinch off some loaves, I was trying to keep the mosquitoes from draining me dry when I had a thought. If smoking while pregnant can cause health problems in the baby, would my blood make the mosquito babies have similar problems? Are there a bunch of mosquitoes out there that were hatched with low birth weight or other developmental problems? And if so, wouldn't that be a boon for the creatures that mosquitoes like to feast on? I'm not sure if this subject has been studied, but it would be interesting to know.

Now you can see why I haven't been blogging too much recently. None of those topics are something I can really expand upon and are not things I think anyone wants me to expand upon. The moral of this story is to shut the mother truckers up when at the library, keep it in your swimsuit bottoms at the lake, and if smoking will negatively affect mosquito babies, then smoking does have some positives to it. I know, I know, I'm a regular Alfred Vaginastein myself.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Shhh! Be Berry Berry Quiet!

I'm not hunting wabbits, but I am hoping to sneak out of here to go to my exercise class before everyone wakes up. Princess and Jabber are spending a few nights with me because Sugarbowl has to work the next few days and didn't want to leave them alone. She knew that they would kill each other if left to their own devices for a whole day. Or even half a day. Maybe even an hour or two. She actually cares when they start fighting about who did what. I don't. I'm an equal opportunity punisher. I don't care who did what to whom first. If I hear fighting, all are guilty and all will be punished. It is a great way to have the kids join forces against me to show me that they can not fight, because one thing they do agree on is not wanting to go to bed early. And I do loves me some early bedtime! I also love giving out chores, especially the ones I don't want to do, like clean the cat boxes, or clean the bathrooms.

I don't mind them coming with me to my exercise class, but I need to hit the grocery store after and I feel like a traveling circus sideshow when I have to drag everyone through the store with me. We all pile out of a tiny clown car and put on a show through every aisle. The kids juggle all the things they want me to buy while I repeat the same phrase, "No, we don't need that. Go put it back." I wouldn't be surprised if I heard applause when we finally left the store. It's amazing that running into the store to grab a few things can be drug out for so long, but the kids are dedicated to their act and would hate to disappoint the audience.

Last night they both wanted to sleep in my bed with me. They were not fighting about it but trying to figure out a way that we could all fit, so I let them do it. Jabber and I slept at the top of the bed and Princess slept at our feet with her feet up by our heads. I'm glad that Princess and not Jabber had her feet by our heads because Jabber is asleep right here, with his feet next to me, and his feet STINK! But it is a smell I am willing to inhale because I don't want to move his feet and risk waking him up. I just want to be able to do my stuff today quickly and quietly. I don't want the spotlight shinning on me as I try to do a quick errand that gets stretched into a long, slow, all day ordeal. As much as I do love being a circus sideshow, I am not feeling up to performing today.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

So Much Negativity

Ya know, I really wanted to write a blog post about some of the funnier things that have been going on around here. Like when we went to the local lakes here and Sugarbowl found everything disgusting on the beach and in the water. Or maybe I should say it found her. First she put her shoes next to 2 dead rotting fish, then she was attacked by a slimy clump of algae, and finally she stepped on a fish spine that some fish rudely left behind when it died and rotted on the beach. She and Acorn wanted to go to that particular beach because Acorn has big boobs and doesn't like to show them off, and Sugarbowl has a big butt and gut and doesn't want to show it off, so we had to go to a beach that no one else was at. They are ready to have others see their big body parts next time because that beach was obviously empty for a reason. I would have liked to write about that, but there is so much negativity floating around everyone right now that it has my undivided attention, and maybe if I vent it I can move on. Maybe.

Everyone in my family is hurt and angry at everyone else. It is such a mess that we would need a mediator to come in and help us all out because everyone is sure that they are right and everyone else is wrong. Mostly it is centered around my older sister and a situation that nobody can agree on. Sugarbowl has some hurt feelings towards me, but she and I are so used to fighting that we can be mad at each other and still function, mainly because we are BFFs and love each other no matter what happens. But my older sister... I'm no longer sure she loves any of us. Here is the Cliff Notes version of the whole thing.

The house that we were renting -- we finally moved -- was my older sister's house. We moved because they were having financial problems and decided to let the house go into foreclosure. The house payment was $1200 a month and we paid $1000, but they were having a hard time paying that extra $200. My mom helped us with the rent each month, so "my" part of the rent -- my mom paid mine and an extra $250 to help us out -- was $625 and Sugarbowl paid $375. The house payments had fallen behind by $5500 and my older sister had sold a piece of her land and could bring the house current but Sugarbowl and I had decided to go our separate ways by then, so she kept the money instead. When Sugarbowl heard that they decided to keep the money and let the house go, she thought that meant that we would not have to pay rent on a house that my older sister was letting go back to the bank. She thought dead wrong. My older sister still wanted us to pay rent. Sugarbowl was furious and moved out before she had to pay another month's rent to "line their pockets." My older sister said that I could take the appliances when I moved, so I was not as bothered about still paying rent on a house that they were not making any payments on, even though I thought she could have cut me a little slack and not exacted my full $625 each month. She thought she was cutting me slack by only having me pay my part and not the full $1000. Never mind that the money was coming from her disabled sister's account and her 68 year old mother. She needed that rent money. She has a lifestyle to maintain! (Sorry, a little anger seeped out there.) When Acorn moved in with me, she told my mom that the rent should really be $1000 again.

When Sugarbowl moved out, she left all the dirty cat boxes and the cat crap all over the basement floor. I had put my cat down months ago and was tired of cleaning up after her cats. I knew she was moving and she had planned on taking the cat boxes with her, so I didn't clean them. She went downstairs, took one look at the dirty, overflowing cat boxes, and decided that she would just buy new cat boxes. It angered me so much that I left all that mess because all the stuff in the basement was hers and I wanted it to soak up as much of that cat crap smell as possible. My older sister is mad that the basement was that bad and is feeling "used" because "her" house was so dirty and "trashed." They had left a Foosball table behind and they claim that a cat climbed up on the Foosball table, somehow squatted on those moving poles, and peed on it. I can understand how a cat with a UTI would do something like that, but the only cat that had been in that house with a UTI was one of hers that she had to put down after it had peed all over the house. She kept talking about how a cat had peed on and wrecked "a $400 Foosball table" like we should pay to replace it when they had left it down there for a year and a half. If it was so damn important, why did they leave it for so long? And I think the $7000 they made off of us for rent for a house that has been foreclosed on would cover that expense. She doesn't see it that way and is mad at us.

Remember those appliances that she said I could have? Well, apparently I misunderstood her saying that I could have them for meaning that I could have them. I only took the stove because the one here is so old. She decided that they needed that stove so we had to move it back. My mother and 69 year old stepfather moved that stove back so she could sell it and maybe make a little more money. Now here is where it gets really fun! The land that she sold a part of to help pay off some of their mounting debts, my mom bought for her. She didn't intend to buy it for her, but she helped them get the loan to buy it, then they couldn't make the payments so my mom paid the whole $70,000 for them! They made $45,000 off of the piece that they sold and didn't give my mom one dime of it because she looks at the land as "her inheritance." Never mind the fact that my mom may need that money some day if she should ever -- God forbid! -- need to go into a nursing home and it ate up any money she has and nobody would have an "inheritance," she got hers! Never mind the fact that this duplex I moved into is my mom's and a nicer stove would help the value. She could sell that stove and make, what? $100-$150? That and all the other little "loans" my mom has given her over the years would bring her "inheritance" to about $150,000, by my conservative estimate. I was digging around on the internet looking for information about Borderline Personality Disorder, which my little sister has, to see if there was a way she and I could communicate better about the things that are bothering her about me, when I stumbled on Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I finally found what my older sister has. She has ZERO empathy for anyone else. She is exploitative to other people, especially her family, and she is preoccupied with having the "perfect" life. She has to have the best of the best and their lifestyle is going to put them into bankruptcy. She has an arrogant, haughty way of dealing with people and wants to be admired and envied.

I don't want a big fight in the family, so I am going to keep my distance until we all are a little less angry about all this. I am going to try, but whenever I think about this whole situation it makes me so mad I want to go toe to toe with her and have it out. I don't think it would change anything, her being Narcissistic, she would never see anyone's side but her own in all this. But sometimes I really want to say some things that she would never forget!