I have a very bad habit of assuming everything that goes wrong with me is due to my MS, so my terrible RLS (Restless Legs Syndrome) was accepted as normal. It wasn't until talking to my neurologist and her suggesting we test my iron levels that I even suspected my "cricket legs" (as I call them--I have to rub and rub my legs on the sheets in bed to get a few minutes respite until the Requip kicks in) was being made worse by something other than my MS. Who knew that a person with MS could have a veritable plethora of other things wrong besides their MS?! My levels of iron came back very low (I don't eat meat, which can't help) and now I am taking iron and feeling much better. My RLS is still here but not as bad and it has helped with my fatigue. But all that is nothing compared to the shock of realizing I can't blame MS for everything. Darn, I was ready to blame all sorts of stuff on it, too, like lung cancer (because I have MS, I can't possibly get lung cancer from smoking! Pass the unfiltered ones, please), my speeding (my legs are numb, duh!), my fat arse (I'm too tired), the list goes on and on...
One thing I always want to know about people with MS is how they view themselves now as opposed to before being diagnosed. My diagnosis came as a total shock and my disease has been so aggressive I felt like I didn't have a chance to really understand what it all meant before they started pumping me full of steroids, doing spinal taps, shoving me into skinny tubes that sound like a plane getting ready to take off, you know, the usual routine after being told you suck so bad your own body wants to destroy you. The first year and a half was HELL. I am now nearing my 3rd anniversary of being diagnosed and am still working on my self image. What I would like to know from you, gentle reader, is how you put yourself back together again? Because, like Humpty, I can't seem to get it back together again and all the king's men probably would not hurt, so send them on over. I am still having a very hard time letting anyone get close to me--not just physically, you naughty king's man! So for anyone who wants to share I would love to hear your story...
I may be the only person who loved those 7up commercials and I am OK with that. I swear I am going to make me a shirt that says that and wear it to the next MS function I go to, which won't be anytime soon. I can handle people with MS, I can handle a lot of different takes on it, but I cannot stomach the people who act like MS is a gift bestowed on them by the gods after wandering in the desert for 40 days and nights. Whenever I hear somebody blathering on about what a blessing it is I want to start popping some caps, or splitting some wigs, or even shizzling some nizzles--and I don't even know what any of that means, but if it means me with a cast iron skillet in hand about to go on a rampage then I agree with what I just said. You don't hear people with Ulcerative Colitis rhapsodizing about the lessons that it has taught them, or even people with such things as Muscular Dystrophy, Cerebral Palsy, or a club foot. So why do some MSers feel so gifted? I think it is a ruse to make the best out of a bad thing, eternal optimism, my-vision-is-only-half-bad kind of thing. Not me. I am not feeling the "gift" of MS. Not saying there is no silver lining to the cloud, I just want to be realistic about it. I don't see the gift in peeing my pants at a stop light (I should have just run it), or the constant pain in my face (I know, I know, but my face does hurt), or even having horrible RLSevery night. Call me crazy, you won't be the first, but I have a hard time in seeing the joy there. But to show that I am a good sport I will list a few positives: the street value of my medicine cabinet is mind boggling; I don't work; I can't see well enough to know if others are staring at me so it does not bother me; I never have to help anybody move or do any physical labor for them; I get to ride through the zoo, others have to push (we have a very hilly zoo); I enjoy the idea of wearing a shirt that says "Let MS Get UP YOURS!" and that says it all.
Tired of being treated like a contagious person? Being avoided and having people fake blindness when you are near? I have the secret to change all that. My patent-pending formula can change how people treat you, make you feel as if the red carpet was rolled out just for you, and best of all, it costs nothing--well, maybe a little of your pride. But I find life is easier if you ditch that pride early on. It is only excess baggage that will make more problems than it could ever fix. So make sure you are sitting down because here is my secret way to be treated like royalty:
When you are having a "bad day," you know, the kind where walking is more difficult and maybe your vision is hazy, haul yourself to your nearest national chain store. My personal favorite is Wal-Mart, it has never failed me yet. When I approach the store staggering and blind, people race to open the automatic doors for me. I don't need to fight to get a cart out, someone does it for me and hands it right over. Everyone is sure to make the gimp feel welcome, all the employees go out of their way to greet me and see if there is anything they can do for me. If I knock over a display I only need to start trying to lower myself to the floor and POOF! there are people swarming to do it for me. And checkout is even easier. I always use self because I like to use my pennies, but nobody wants to be rude to someone with such an obvious disability. Heck, most of the time someone is right there to scan all my items for me. Yes, I tell you, it sure does make one feel like a celebrity to have people so solicitous to help one out. So the next time you are feeling unimportant and gimpy, go try my method out and tell me if it doesn't make you feel like they rolled out the red carpet and genuflect just for you. (All this talking about it makes me want to go visit my subjects...)
The timeless beauty of those words moves me every time I hear them... and hear them I do--a lot. Sometimes I wish it were that simple, a sprained ankle, broken foot or leg instead of launching into the whole MS thing. And saints-preserve-us if they have a relative with MS also, I will never get away. I will need to hear the whole history of their MS, how it is affecting them and their (the talkers) take on the whole thing. Its not that I don't care about MS, and that I don't want to educate people, but sometimes I don't have the time (or inclination) to go into it all. I especially hate when the asker is someone who is cashing me out and they hang onto my bag until I have gone through it all. When I see somebody looking desperate for the bathroom I don't ask if it is number 1 or 2. I also don't ask other people with walking issues what happened to them. If I have learned nothing else from MS at least I have learned that we are all people trapped in bodies that don't want to work the way we want them to.
It is with much sorrow that I bid adieu to disABILITY Awareness Week, well not really, but I love melodrama. I hope everybody had a great week and got out there to make sure that people were aware of you and whatever abilities you may posses. I, myself, posses very few, but if they start handing out awards for Most Naps Taken I will be a front runner. I would also sweep the Most Ways To Eat Peanut Butter Award, Most Likely To Sleep Through Anything, and the coveted award for Least Stuff Done. Yes, I am a woman of many talents, try not to be too jealous. I need to mention a few Honorable Mentions I should receive, they include: Worst Night Vision, Most Likely To Not See That Car Or Pedestrian, Quickest To Repel Men, and of course Hottest Gimp--remember I said Honorable Mention, you would take that last one for sure.
Sometimes I forget just how far research has come when it comes to understanding MS. I don't know how many times I have heard, "they haven't found a cure for that yet?" As if there has been nothing new since Victoria's reign. Of course I don't go into how much we do know now and the many changes (for the better) that have come about. But sometimes I think it is good to take a look at what was the common knowledge about MS to fully realize how far we have come. Here are some of my favorite bygone beliefs:
"Women with MS should not have children."
"People with MS end up in wheelchairs." Not anymore; now we have a better chance than ever of not needing a wheelchair.
"There is no disease activity between attacks." Too bad this was not true...
"People with MS should avoid exercise." I want to say its too bad this is not true, but that is just my lazy side speaking. We now know otherwise.
"People with MS have the 'MS Personality' " This is one of my favorites/most irritating. Maybe because what they called the MS Personality was a little too close to my own personality, darn it!
"You don't need a DMD until your disease starts getting worse."
"A symptom of MS is the lassiez-faire attitude." You gotta love Charcot, the "Father Of Multiple Sclerosis." He gave us the first comprehensive outline of MS, thus earning the dubious honor of the earlier mentioned title, yet he saw mostly people who had been suffering from MS for many, many years who lived up to the attitude he identified.
There are a few other things I enjoy, like the warm bath test used to diagnose people before the joy of a spinal tap, I just wanted to throw out a few to remind us of just how far we have come.
You can say what you want about Newsweek, People, Time, National Enquirer etcetera but I live for my Multiple Sclerosis magazines. Sure, those earlier mentioned periodicals may have a broader appeal, but nothing makes me squeal with anticipated joy quite like an MS magazine. I was just thinking to myself that it had been awhile since my last one when my husband came in with the mail and there was my MSQR looking more enthralling than I had dared to imagine. I don't know if you get it, but on the cover was a picture of 3 different kinds of pills and the words, "Treatment Of Multiple Sclerosis Relapses." I was overjoyed--I thought they finally had an option for relapses besides those hideous IV steroids, which I hate more than anything else that involves MS. You know that saying, "from the top of the world to the depths of hell," well I felt it when I turned to the article the cover was referencing and saw the only picture--hands holding an IV bag of steroids. What a horrible joke to play on someone; talk about false advertising. And I am sorry to admit that this fool fell right into the trap.
Marriage is a b*tch. Every married person knows that, we just don't want the single people out there to find out because misery loves company. My marriage is not better or worse (that's like a pun or something) than anyone else's. The divorce rate in the U.S. is about 50% (it is slightly higher in the U.K.) but when one partner is diagnosed with a chronic disease it jumps to around 75%. I am going to take a stab in the dark and say that you are not surprised by that nugget of statistics there. I am so tired of hearing, "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health" from those who are not suffering from a chronic disabling disease, that is just as hard on the pocketbook. I know what my marriage vows are, I was there and I even have it on tape somewhere if I need to refresh my memory, but I do not like to be told what they are by people who have no idea what it is like to be in this position--mom and my mother-in-law, I'm looking at you! Marriage is hard anyway, but when the dynamics of your relationship change dramatically it can become much harder quickly. My husband and I were outdoors types who camped, hiked, and spent long days in a boat fishing. Now I don't camp because a tent and me do not mix, I would need help getting up and down, I don't hike because I will trip over the smallest uneven spot so all paths have to be accessible, and I can't spend long days in a boat fishing because I can't take the sun on me all day and can't sit in one position like that because I get bad leg cramps. My mother and mother-in-law were both raised in the belief that marriage is forever--no matter what. My mother-in-law has been married for over 45 years to a drunk that has spent their money, destroyed their house and things in drunken rages, roughed her and her boys up, and had multiple accidents while drunk, yet divorce is a sin. My mother will hang on to marriage because divorce is wrong, no matter how unhappy that marriage is. So how do you explain to people like this things such as:
When one partner can no longer hold up their end of the 50/50 responsibilities? When the other one has to pick up all the slack?
When the incomes become income and you cost more than that income to have around and the guilty feelings it gives you?
When you no longer have the energy for the life you built together?
Wondering if it embarrasses your spouse to be seen with you (I know that sounds harsh, but I worry about that sometimes).
The stress on the other person of having a spouse with a progressing disability. What is it doing to them to watch you suffer?
The planning for a totally different future from what you had hoped for.
Wondering if you should let them go so they can find someone to share life with, not just a spectator (again, may sound harsh but I worry about this one)?
So I do understand my marriage vows, but there was no way to see this curve ball coming and I am not always sure of what the right answer is. I can totally understand why the divorce rate jumps so high. Chronic progressive disabling diseases take their toll not only on ourselves but everything we are involved with. Walk a mile in my shoes, then tell me what I should do, not trying to sound bitter because I'm not--I'm just as confused as anyone else.
Lets hear it for the disabled! If for only one week a year, lets revel in the spotlight. I think it is a good message to focus on what you can do when so much can become difficult--too bad it took me well over a year to remember that I am not 100% Multiple Sclerosis. I had read books and articles about remembering who you are and not to let your disability define you, but those can be hollow words when what you don't want to define you is tearing you down rapidly. It has taken me a long time to find myself and I hope to never lose myself again. So lets celebrate our abilities (however small they may be--I don't have many talents) and if only for a week remember what we can do. And since I am gifted in the art of putting my foot in my mouth, I am off to exercise that talent for the week. Team Disabled all the way!
This is the last I am going to write about this subject, I promise, unless I come across anything so radical it changes everything. I have spent all day researching everything I could about T., it has been me, internet, library and a shaving cut that has been killing me all day. While I appreciate all comments and appreciate the motivation to do my homework, I have found nothing that goes against doing T. every 3 weeks. As many of the comments said the "recommended" dosing is every 4 weeks, but as another comment said depending on how the body uses it, every 3 weeks is not a risk of PML. Of the 3 people who did get PML (2 with MS, 1 with Chrons) all of them were using T. in conjunction with another immunosuppressent, not just T. alone. There is no data of any kind of overdose, they are not sure what exactly that would entail, probably because of its short time on market and how strictly they are watching it. Which brings me to my next point, the infusion center keeps tabs on everyone who receives T. and keeps records of every time you have an infusion and submits those records to the TOUCH program. Therefore I want to say again that I am sure I am not the only one who does it on a 3 week schedule. There is an estimate of over 10,000 people on T. now in the U.S. alone and I can't remember what the U.S. and Europe number was, I believe over 12,000, so I doubt I am alone, and so far no new cases of PML, but many cases of improved quality of life, YEE HAW! But don't take my word for it, ask, read, just don't cut yourself shaving.
Maybe I should have started this whole subject with a disclaimer, so here it is: I am not a medical person and I do not claim to know more about MS than anyone else. I am merely your average lay-person who needs to know everything I can about the disease that dictates my life, therefore I appreciate all your comments and feedback because they help me research areas that I may not have looked into as much as I should have. I am not saying the way I get Tysabri done is the right way, I am just putting this information out there in case it could help someone. I can understand why some people would not like someone doing Tysabri other than what is recommended--I do not want to be the person who gets PML and takes Tysabri away for good. I too am afraid that someone will get PML and we will lose this manna from the gods that is Tysabri. My neurologist and the infusion center I go to are cutting edge--so much so that people come from several states to see them. They only deal with MS, nothing else, and are one of the best Multiple Sclerosis clinics in the country, hence why so many people want to go there and why it can take months to get in. I said in a comment but will say again here, they do studies and clinical trials so maybe that is why they allow me to dose the way I do, but I am confident that they would not do anything to jeopardize themselves or anyone else. So to get to the bottom of this I am going to talk to them this next week and do some research myself because if I am in the wrong I will gladly eat humble pie and go back to my old schedule of every 4 weeks--if for no other reason than I want everyone to be able to benefit from Tysabri. Whew! I feel better, hope it was as good for you as it was for me.
I know I am not alone in having people say some really dumb things to me; it makes me think of Southpark when the teacher says there are no stupid questions just stupid people. I don't mind when people ask me what is wrong with me, or what happened. I can handle an honest question meant without offense, but some of the comments and questions that I have heard are so downright dumb it pushes my patience, which is not always in big supply anyway. Here are some of my favorite gems, and I would love to hear any that you have heard. Without further ado, let me say that you really are fun in the sack, because we all know MSers are better lovers, and here is my short list:
1. The people who tell me why I got MS. I have heard it is because of diet sodas, which I never drink, from microwaving food (wouldn't everyone have it then?), and I must have had a back injury that caused it (again, no back injury here).
2. "Can't they do surgery for it?" No. Even if they wanted to try I am not sure I would want anyone messing around with my brain and spine. Although that is not what I said. I told that person that I would need a brain and spine donor and maybe they should offer theirs because they obviously are not using it.
3. "Is that contagious?" This one came out of the blue on me and I was not in the mood to go into all the details of the how and whys, so I just told them they needed a brain to get it. When I hear this, and I have a few times since the first time, I know they are only worried about me coughing on them and them getting it, because nobody wants to walk like me.
4. "God is punishing you for something you did." This one made me so angry it took me awhile to sputter out that I had read the New Testament and I suggested they do too. I also said that I did not think sacrificing the oldest male goat in my herd would cure me.
5. "You're going to be a vegetable!" This one I heard from my mother-in-law. I don't know how many times I have told her otherwise but she is stuck on the idea that her son is going to be married to someone in a vegetative state. And that someone needs to run, not walk, to the nearest lawyer to get a living will so her precious son will be able to pull the plug, ASAP, when that inevitable day comes.
I have also heard a ton about what I need to do to "cure" myself, but that is a post in itself. For the most part I will do what is suggested as long as it is not radical and does not interfere with my approved treatments. I would love to hear what you have been told/asked because it has taken me quite awhile to get to the point of being amused by the stuff people say to me--but it amuses me very much now.
When I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis I knew nothing about it. Literally nothing--I thought I was one of "Jerry's Kids," embarrassing to admit but it shows how out-of-the-blue my diagnosis was for me. Frustrated by a lack of forthcoming answers to my many questions and being a voracious reader I had to do a lot of research for myself. I wanted the answers no matter how ugly they were and I felt that the guides for the newly diagnosed got me nowhere. My MS, right out of the gate, was so aggressive that I was beyond the attacks once-in-awhile and had about 5-6 within the first year. I wanted to know everything that I could about it and what it meant for me. This is a short list of the things nobody would tell me but I found out on my own. I will expand on each one in it's own post, I just wanted to list the things that I wanted to know and nobody wanted to tell me, yet I felt I should know. I know I am in the minority with the way my disease is progressing (thank God), but there are others out there who are having similar experiences and are probably as frustrated as me by a lack of forthright answers. So without further ado here is my short list of things nobody wants to tell you:
1. MSers are 7 times more likely to commit suicide than the average person. If you have not had a run-in with the black dog of depression you need to be very thankful--it is hell, and that is not even a strong enough word for it.
2. What's my prognosis? Nobody wants to tell you what your attacks and symptoms can tell you about your future. There is some information out there about the nature of your attacks and what they can mean for your future. I will go into this in a separate post because it is a lot of information; it can be scary but I would rather know what I am facing.
3. The down side to the DMDs. They do have some downsides, but you will never hear of any of them from a rep. from the company. Like with a higher dose of an interferon the higher risk of neutralizing antibodies and higher risk of depression. Also, Betaseron has the highest incident of neutralizing antibodies and Rebif puts you at a higher risk of depression. I'm not saying there is not a lot of good with these meds, I just want people to know all the facts to make the right choice for them. I also think it is good to know what the overall reduction rate is for each of these, because they all vary. Again, this is a post in itself, which I will do, I am just giving an overview right now, it being early still and having to get a little girl ready for school soon.
4. Mental/emotional problems associated with MS. They will tell you that it does not cause any changes in behavior or if they do tell you they will say it is rare. But studies show that atrophy (shrinkage) of the brain occurs in the early stages, and any disease that leaves scars on the brain is liable to have an effect on you and your thinking/behavior, especially in the frontal lobe. When I attempted suicide, even though I had been told that MS will not cause those kind of changes, they still did an MRI on the frontal lobe of my brain to see if I had a new lesion there that was effecting my moods.
5. Lifespan. Nobody wants to tell you about your lifespan. They will tell you that it is almost close to normal, which is true for the most part, it is slightly lower than normal. I'm sure you have heard that MS will not kill you, that it is very rare for someone to die from MS; this is true. But all the meds pumped into your body will tear it down and most MSers, when not taking matters into their own hands, die from complications due to the different meds put into us. Especially as the body gets older, when you damp down the immune system it makes you that much more susceptible to getting pneumonia or other life-threatening illnesses, hence you do not die from MS but from something else.
That is all I can think of right now, but will add more if I think of them. I am off to get my Tysabri done. Remember, Blindbeard loves you (big cheesy grin would go right here).
I did not know that it is unusual to do Tysabri every 3 weeks. I never even knew it was an option until I was talking to one of the nurses at the infusion center, she suggested I try it to see if it helped me. I can't imagine they would do it if they could get in trouble... at least I hope not. So now I am curious if anyone else is having infusions every 3 weeks? I know some have to be out there because the nurse told me that it was more common for women and they had some people who were already on that schedule. Now I am wondering where they are...?
There is nothing I love more than being asked to talk more about a subject that I try not to talk about too much with people that I think may not care. I have read everything about MS and treatments and different issues that can come with the disease that I could get my hands on and I don't always get to share any of that knowledge too often. So it is with much pleasure that I am going to give more detail about my Tysabri experience. (I just want to thank all the little people... sorry, had an Emmy moment there.)
I started Tysabri In February of 2007 and started out getting it every 4 weeks. I went through the whole TOUCH program, which is a blog in itself, in fact I went through it twice because I was hoping to get it (Tysabri) done closer to home but my neuro moved to FL so I just stuck with the infusion center that is 2 hours away (and in my hometown, so I don't mind going there). They have it set up where you can get T. done a week early or a week late if your schedule won't work out for you to get it when originally scheduled. I noticed that towards the end of the 3rd week I would start getting symptoms kicking up, sometimes really bad. I would start having the pain and hot/cold sensations in my legs, my vision would get dimmer, I would get so tired I could barely move--all the things that made me a prime candidate for T. I told the infusion center and they told me that women seemed to burn through the T. faster and that is why you have the option to do it a week earlier. I'm not going to lie, they do try to push me back to 4 weeks sometimes but I stand firm and keep telling them that by 3 weeks I need to get it done again--I am scared that I will get some symptoms that won't go away if I wait too long. I told my neuro that I get it done every 3 weeks and she was ok with it. She just said some people need to do it that way. Getting infused every 3 weeks does not increase the risk of PML, the only thing that did increase it was using T. with other DMDs. The only down side that I have had is that I get sick a lot easier right after an infusion, but that only seems to be within the first few days, then I am back to my normal never-get-sick self. The IV site is never a big bruise like it can be with the other shots. The only time I get a bruise is from them blowing a vein. I hope this covers the basics, if not let me know.
Have I mentioned how much I love Tysabri? I have? Well, pretend that you have not heard this before then or go pluck your nose hairs for a few minutes while I rhapsodize about Tysabri. I have been on 3 different meds for my MS before Tysabri (Tie-sob-ree), Avonex, Copaxone, and Novantrone. Avonex was about as effective as water for me. My Ms is too aggressive and it did nothing but make me sick, tired and more depressed--not a good thing. Plus the IM(intra-muscular) shots HURT! After 6 months and 3 attacks my neuro switched me to Copaxone, which I loved almost as much at Tysabri. I did my own shots with my own little Auto Injector and sub-q (sub-cutaneous, just under the skin) does not hurt, in fact a lot of times I didn't feel a thing. The only down side to Copaxone is the itchy injection sites and it has the least reduction in relapses; but no depression or sickness. Novantrone was a hideous experience; it is a chemotherapy. I think that says it all. I was stuck in the house for 2 weeks after because I could not risk getting sick and I lost no hair--what a rip-off! But Tysabri is the BEST! I have not felt this good since before I was diagnosed. There is no depression, it is once a month (you can go a week early or a week later depending on how long it lasts. I go every 3 weeks because I burn through it faster and start getting attack-y after 3 weeks.) it has helped with my fatigue and walking--in short I feel alive again! It is done IV, but that is not a big deal. I have not had an attack since starting it this last February--and that is a record for me; before this my longest time attack-free was 5 months. It doesn't cause depression, or make me sick, in fact I can't think of a down side to it. Wait, I thought of one. They say it is about $27,000 a year, but that is the med alone. Once you add in having to go into an infusion center and all the charges that entails it comes to more like $50,000. A hefty price tag but worth it--it makes life worth living for me again.
The most annoying symptom of my MS has got to be this optic neuritis. Other things may come and go but I can always count on it to keep me company. The only break I ever get from it is from taking some OTC pain meds (and sometimes prescription ones, but not very often; I don't want to be on Intervention.). For a while there I thought I was having trigeminal (sp?) neuralgia, the horrible, stabbing, shock-like pain in the face, because it hurt so bad. But my neurologist said it was just this stupid ON. I would be more accepting of the pain if it did not mess with my vision, but alas, that is not the case. I have spots that are dark (I don't know how else to explain it), my vision on that side is not as crisp, and I get double vision when looking over my shoulder on that side. The dark spots are kind of like just before getting a migraine, or when you look at something bright and it leaves spots on your vision that you can see around but not through clearly. When I am trying to see something well, I have to move my head around to get the object in view between the dark spots. If you have ever seen Hairspray with Rikki Lake in it, it makes me think of the part where she goes to the beatnik's house and Ric Ocasik (sp? from The Cars) is moving his head in circles and painting a picture. That's how I feel when I am trying to see something, I just rotate my head until I get it in my sights. The only time my eye does not hurt is when I first wake up--I should say my best chance of not having it hurt because even that is only about 50/50. And the headaches from it... but I think I am done crabbing for today. I can only take so much negativity and then it gets old, which reminds me of what a friend asked me not that long ago. He asked me why I am always in a good mood. The answer is, why aren't you?
I love the Used Bread Store (or Day Old Bread Store, or maybe Discount Bread? I'm not sure what its real name is, and "used bread" rolls off the tongue better.). I love the smell when you first walk in; if I could get candles that smelled like that I would bask in that smell all day happily. I don't really have a sweet tooth and almost never eat anything chocolate, not being much of a fan, but I love to go there anytime I need a loaf of bread and nothing else. I buy sweets for others in my house, but not for me, I just love that smell of collected goodies. I love the great buys, I love the selection, I love that if you buy $3 worth of stuff they give you a big bag of too old bread to take to the duck pond here and feed to the ducks, I love that they know me and when they see me they will always give me several bags, and sometimes even hold more back for me, which I know because once I saw one of the ladies out and about and she told me she had a bunch of bread set aside for me because she knew it was getting about time for me to come in again. I love the sight of all those chocolate, powdered, and glazed donuts. I love the smell of all the Zingers, pies, cinnamon breads, cupcakes, coffee cakes, sweet rolls and Twinkies. The only thing I buy for myself is a loaf of french bread and maybe a loaf of cinnamon and raisin bread to make french toast with, once in awhile some English muffins if I am feeling really crazy. I let Princess pick some stuff out and grab some stuff for my husband, I'm glad somebody likes sweets because I would hate to not have a reason to go there.
I had to wait for Princess to go to bed to write about this--sometimes she does not understand that when she makes me laugh I am not laughing at her. She gets shy and embarrassed when I get too much amusement from her. Like for Halloween she was a vampire and when she put her teeth in, it looked so funny and cute it kept making me laugh. She thought I was laughing because she looked silly and got all shy about the fangs.
Tonight she finished a book that she has been working on the past few days and wanted me to read it. She has been plugging away on my desktop pc trying to get down the first draft with all the details that she did not want to forget. I took it outside with me when I let the dog out because I was afraid I would be bored or too amused and either way I did not want to hurt her feelings. She started it out by talking about a school that had been built "ages ago," and those ages amounted to 5 years, which makes me positively prehistoric. She centered the action around a secret passageway that was made out of "pure-real-gold" because I can only assume pure-fake-gold would be too cheap sounding. But the best part, the part that made me glad I was out of hearing range, was when she described the fantastic places the secret passageway took these 3 fifth graders in their ancient 5-year-old school. She puzzled for a long time over what would be "awesome" enough for their adventures and came up with The Great Wall Of China, a dinosaur adventure, a length of time on Jupiter (complete with 64 moons! I had forgotten that little fact), a trip into her favorite book, Charlotte's Web, where they each became a character, and finally, a natural history museum in Detroit, MI. That last one threw me for a loop, I didn't see it coming from a mile away and never would have lumped that in with Jupiter, dinosaurs and The Great Wall. Good thing is only the neighbors and dog heard me laughing.
I just don't have much going on today, at least not much to talk about. I went to lunch with my little sister and mom and it was good, not great but good. We went to Ruby Tuesdays, where my little sister works, and it reminded me of all the other restaurants of that caliber, ieApplebee's, Chili's etc. I like wheat bread but their wheat bread made me feel like I was eating out of the bird feeder--it was that coarse and seedy. I don't eat hamburgers so I find a 1/2 lbs burger a little... repulsive, yet I know many people like that kind of stuff and that doesn't bother me. I don't eat meat because I don't like the texture of flesh, not for any animal rights reason, which is good because my husband is an avid hunter and fisher--but he says that fish and shrimp are not meat. I disagree; if it comes from an animal, its flesh and I don't eat it. The high point of my day was listening to my sister and mother disagree on everything; they rarely see eye-to-eye so I made them sit on the same side of the table together so I could enjoy all the fun out of their reach. They are so busy talking, coughing, and spitting all over each other and the others' food that I really didn't need to say a thing, just sit back and enjoy the show. Now I have covered my whole day and am feeling the weight of this writer's block....
Update: Seems it is only me that is not impressed with Ruby Tuesday's. My husband and Princess slobbered and fought over my leftovers, which is strange for P., she never eats leftovers. As for me if I get a hankering for R.T.'s again I will go eat out of the bird feeder. Move over, feathered arses, a bigger arse is coming in!
I am signed up on too many different sites under even more names, amongst those my favorite is Deathbreath--a bright idea after an all-consuming addiction to Rampage. We all fight over who gets the Deathbreath because it is so darn helpful, and its fun to tell people. If I get a phone call while playing, "Can't talk now, I've got DEATHBREATH!" Both my sisters know what this means, only my parents may not understand, and anyone who has never heard of Rampage before, which means you have lived your life under a grub infested rock pile. (I got sidetracked talking about Rampage.... gives me a real yearning to go play some RAAAAMPAGE.... must resist the pull of Deathbreath...) But all this was not my point, my point is that I have been looking for some people and can't seem to find them. I can't remember anybody's age anymore it seems, so haj, if you read this I have been meaning to write back to you but can't find you anywhere and lost your email somehow. There may be some others but I was trying to find all my foster kids to add to my friends list (the ones old enough that is, all 4 of them), and only need haj still. As for other people, just because I didn't mention you does not mean I don't want to be your friend or hear from you, I just don't want any of my old foster kids to feel left out when they see I have everyone else on my friends list, and a sex shop--can't forget that.
I hate these last few minutes before I have to leave to pick up Princess from school. I can feel that last few quiet grains in the hour glass drain away--had to throw in a "Days Of Our Lives" reference there, this sounds so melodramatic. Why is it that the weekends or days when there is no school, time seems to cccccrrrrrraaaaaawwwwwwlllllllll yet the days I have 8 hours to myself are gone before I can get a book read or a really good nap in. Sometimes I just want to sit here and not go across town and have my ears chewed down to bloody stubs or hear somebody ask, "Whats for dinner? Why isn't there any good food? What do you do all day? Why didn't you do _______ for me so I wouldn't have to?" Then comes the hideous shows, and those are a fate worse than death. Can't get the prisoners to talk? Tune in to "Suite Life Of Zack And Cody" or "Life With Derek," they will sing real fast. Heck, I don't have any good secrets but I would gladly tell any I do have to stop the torture of kids' after-school programming. Darn, why does the time have to go so fast when you dread lame TV? Now back to your mommy duties.....
HA! I knew I should have bet my little sister but she would not put up any money. She said that I would not use my membership to the Y for anything other than swimming with Princess, and she was dead wrong! I dropped P off at school and went straight to the Y and worked out for almost an hour. It was great; no kids hanging off me, listening to music and feeling the burn. I tried on this dress I was thinking of wearing for Halloween (I was going to be a fortune teller but ended up not dressing up) and it was so tight and hideous my husband said my butt looked like pigs in a blanket--this coming from a man who has now reached his top weight ever and looks like a muffin rising out of its muffin paper. I have had enough of being out of shape, I miss my old jeans and being long and lean. I am not trying to get back to my old weight, because I feel so much better now than I did then, but I want to get in shape. Plus I don't want my muscles to lose what they have, I don't want to be so stiff and I love the feeling from working out. I always feel better when I have some kind of exercise in my life--love those endorphins. I am going to make this weight gain a footnote in the (boring) history of my life. Anyone want to bet me??
I don't know about anyone else, but if I don't have a book to read it makes me crazy. I finished my last book last night and that ended my pile that I wanted to get through. Without a book to read I just can't settle down into anything. I get restless, pace, can't find anything that will hold my interest, its not a pretty sight. Sadly, the library does not open until 1pm on Sundays so I am going to have to find things to do until then. I have a laundry pile that has snow forming on top and leaves all over the place that I want to suck up, I just hope those chores can hold me until 1. Me without a book is akin to a man dragging himself through the desert looking for water, I don't crawl on my stomach but I feel just as lost. I guess I will have to go kick the people that are trying to plant a flag on the top of my laundry pile off so I can finish it and then attack the leaves. It has been so windy that my leaf piles keep shifting. I had a good pile there for awhile then the wind blew it away and made it someone else's problem. The wind kicked up again and brought me somebody else's pile, so I guess I deserved it for getting joy out of seeing my leaves blow away. Okay, now I am just killing time until I can go to the library.
Princess and I went to the Y today to swim and there we were witness to a horrible tragedy, a crime against nature and an assault on our eyeballs. An old, old, old man and a younger woman were already in the pool. I first noticed her in the locker room; she was wearing a pair of sweat pants with one leg pushed up to her knee and the other almost to the floor. She stalked through the locker room and, I am not trying to be mean but, I noticed her open, slack jaw and thought she was looking for the person she came with because it was obvious that she did not drive--she was mentally handicapped, to use the PC term. That did not bother me until I saw her in the pool with the old man. I have no problem with 2 consenting adults doing what they want as long as they are not hurting anyone, and I could even accept that she was about 1/2 his age and he didn't have any teeth. But I cannot accept the fact that he was wearing the tiniest pair of nylon panties as a swimming suit. A pair so thin and tiny that gray hair was crowding out the sides and every detail of his beans and weenies was on display. And I mean beans and weenies, the kind that would come in a very small can. When he got out of the pool and Princess finally noticed what he was using as a swimsuit she looked at me in surprise and whispered, "That's gross!" I couldn't agree more.
Due to an underwhelming amount of feedback I am going to assume that everyone is just loving this new blog thing of mine. Yes, I have been able to infer, from no comments, that everything is perfect and as before have unflinchingly looked life in the eye and called it as I see it much to every one's total agreement. Who needs any feedback or comments to show that one's readers have a pulse? Not me, no sir! Silence is manna for me, my meat and potatoes. So I will continue to take total silence as total admiration and adoration and continue to deceive myself, knowing full well that if my little sister had internet she would make sure I never had any doubts.
Update:I have finally got some feedback from the hottest member of my family, and I am not talking about myself. If this continues I may have to start my polls... am dying to anyway.
Most days it is right here, on this couch nestled in my special nappy quilt. But I can't find it anywhere and that is odd. The only thing I found in this quilt was a naughty quilt that wanted to squeeze the dog's nose and that is always a sure sign that there is no nap for me. The dog loves it, or maybe hates it, I don't know. He hates having his nose squeezed but loves to wrestle and play rough. My gardening gloves have a thing for squeezing his nose too, so he will run off with any glove that he can get and destroy it before it can get to his nose. My dog is smarter than he wants anyone to know, but he has never figured out that it is not the glove that is guilty, and I am not going to tell him any different. Come to think of it, he hates if I put on gloves to go outside when its cold too. Whenever I bring in wood he chases my gloves and barks circles around me so the whole neighborhood knows that I am outside. I really wanted a nap but this bad quilt can't seem to leave the dog alone and he tore a few new holes in it to show it how he feels about the squeeze. Oh well, if anyone finds my nap please send it straight home to me or I may have to go do something productive. EEEEK!!
You can say what you want about good cheer, kind feelings, gift giving, family gatherings, etcetera, but I know what is the best thing about this time of the year: holiday coffee creamers. Forget school programs or the first snowfall, when I see those holiday creamers back in the store it fills me with tiding of joy. Peppermint Mocha is probably my favorite, but I don't want to cause any hard feelings because I love them all. Gingerbread smells so good it makes me want to bake cookies. Whoever said you cannot buy happiness has never tried Eggnog, it is pure happiness in a plastic container. Pumpkin Spice had me feeling so jolly the other morning I bought a rolling pin to make my pies this year, thus giving the mason jars a break. Let the leaves fall, snows come, crabby shoppers fill the stores, they mean nothing compared to my creamers. I only wish they were available throughout the year, but I guess the season would lose its magic for me then. I can handle the hideous gifts from my husband's granny as long as I have my holiday creamers to console me and get me ready to return the pile of crap I am sure to get.
I ate too much candy. But I know I am not alone in this ship of fools, my husband and Princess are feeling the pain too. Why do they have to give out Nerds? I love those things. And Pixie Stix will get me every time. I don't do chocolate but loves me some fruity stuff--just not cherry. Yuck! I think it is because growing up it seems like my parents always bought those cherry Sucrets (sp?) and the flavor of fake cherry makes me want to puke. I don't have much of a gag reflex but that crap will do me in every time. Like when you go to the dentist--which I don't even want to think about right now, I'm pretty sure I fell asleep last night with a Pixie Stix in mouth--and they use that gritty junk on your teeth. Now, thank God, they have other flavors, but as a kid it was always cherry, and if one little grit touched a taste bud I would gag. So I pretty much drooled buckets at the dentist. Princess told me to help myself to her candy but like most parents I was nibbling all night. Our neighbor answered the door eating candy and several others were too. Now I don't even want to look at anything sweet and have a nice not-sweet lasagna in the oven. I don't want to even see candy until, well, at least tomorrow--Princess did get a lot of Nerds and I would hate for her to get sick off them.